Comments on Our Little Tongginator: Seeing Color

Hmm, what an interesting approach to handling the ...

2009-09-03T22:59:32.107-04:00

Hmm, what an interesting approach to handling the race issue! I basically believe what you believe in handling the race issue. Both wife and I are Chinese immigrants. Our kids are American born. We are Christians. We used to go to a Chinese Christian Church but after many years we switched to an all-American subburban church. We made the switch for our kids and for various reasons. We believe our kids should be American first and foremost. Chinese is their heritage not their culture. If we want Chinese culture, we will need to move back to Asia and live in China, Taiwan, Hong Kong or Singapore. I guess for you to join a Chinese church and for me to join an all American church is practically the same approach in instilling two "cultures" (for lack of a better word) in our kids. If I have to pick on your post, I would challenge you to think about the differences between culture and heritage.

Like you I walk a very tight rope in parenting our kids. But I am confident that the result speaks for itselt. My kids are confident, happy, athletic and well-rounded. Compared with most other Chinese American kids whose parents don't ever reach out to non-Chinese friends, mine stand out as the best among their Chinese American peers at our Saturday Chinese Language School.

You are exactly right about the fact that people do see colors. But teach your kids to make sure that other people's prejudices won't inconvenience them. How? Help them to use their God-given talents to become successful individuals in life. A few years ago we decided to join a small group in our church. We were the only Chinese couple in their room full of couples our ages (maybe 50 couples) trying to hook up with a group. It wasn't a comfortable feeling, but I was so used to it (people's superficial judgment) and thought I should have fun later with those superficial people. No groups accepted us that evening after an hour of social and mingling. Later the church hooked us up with a group that still needed two couples. I imagined they probably would never have wanted us if we had met at the social? People can be very superficial. People already have a preconceived notion of what you are even before they know your name, your background, your job, etc. Long story short, we joined the group. We met in different homes. After a month or two, the group met at our house. Seeing the size of our house and the price of the houses in our neighborhood, several group members started asking what I did for living. Then they noticed that our kids were in an excellent college prep school. We are not showy with our material success, though. We had great two years doing life together as a group. We learned so much from each other about life. They were interested in my view regarding wealth and on how to accumulate wealth. If only more people could hear it! Some of them wouldn't be in the financial mess as they are today. We still remain friends with some of them.

Over the last 20 years living in America, I have learned an invaluable lesson on race and prejudices. That is, do your best to be successful. Then other people's prejudices will never inconvenience you.

what a wonderful and eloquent post. thank you for...

2008-09-24T01:56:00.000-04:00

what a wonderful and eloquent post. thank you for sharing it.

I've visited your blog often but never commented. ...

2008-09-23T11:18:00.000-04:00

I've visited your blog often but never commented. This time I have to.
Family and friends often question our choices to try to bring as much Chinese culture as we can to Maëlle and acknowledge her roots and first family and country. Like you we think denying that would be to deny her.
Thanks for a wonderfully well written post on a very important subject.

I have nothing to add to this wonderful post excep...

2008-09-22T02:13:00.000-04:00

I have nothing to add to this wonderful post except, "AMEN"!

I truly loved this! If you read the entry I just ...

2008-09-20T15:10:00.000-04:00

I truly loved this! If you read the entry I just wrote, you will see that I struggled to pick just one winner-- yours was so, so good. Glad to see here that it touched others as much as it touched me-- keep up with your writing! And keep me posted on your adoption, please!!

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your thoughts ...

2008-09-20T13:34:00.000-04:00

Thanks so much everyone for sharing your thoughts and also your kind words.

Planet Nomad, thanks also for sharing our excitement about our upcoming adoption. An LID (log-in date) is a China-adoption term that signifies the day we "got in line" (so to speak) to adopt from China. Currently people with mid-February 2006 LIDs expect an adoption referral this month, so - if the rate of referral remains fairly consistent - our turn should occur sometime in the next year to 18 months.

P.S. I also meant to add that after reading your W...

2008-09-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

P.S. I also meant to add that after reading your Wikipedia link I feel blessed to have never kept up with movies and popular books! The stereotypes that were mentioned seemed just that: STEREOTYPES; that have no bearing on reality. Maybe parents who care about this issue should monitor their children's (and their own) intake of media propoganda. (Maybe that's a strong word, but that's what it ends up being, doesn't it?)

I, too, feel that it is okay, even good, to "see" ...

2008-09-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

I, too, feel that it is okay, even good, to "see" color, just not okay to judge color. After all, there ARE differences between races, and if we deny those differences-- skin color, cultural identity-- as you said, we deny a part of who they are. It's all part of being a family, whether a small family unit, or the whole human family: we celebrate both our differences and what we have in common. Our commonalites give us unity, our differences give us our individuality.

What a wonderful post! I'm raising my kids as mino...

2008-09-20T07:30:00.000-04:00

What a wonderful post! I'm raising my kids as minority whites in Arab North Africa, and for a while we had an African foster child. Our family's culture incorporates bits from all the places we've lived; although on the outside we look American, inside we're not entirely typical. I think your post has broader applications, to my own TCKs. I'm excited to see in your sidebar that you're hoping to add to your family as well! (What is LID?) Good luck and God bless.

Very well said. So often in the past I've prided ...

2008-09-20T01:59:00.000-04:00

Very well said. So often in the past I've prided myself on my colorblindness when it comes to skin color, but I believe God created all the colors and that our differing cultures are to be celebrated, not overlooked.

I have to echo what others have said and say thank...

2008-09-19T22:01:00.000-04:00

I have to echo what others have said and say thank you. This is a subject that has always been fuzzy for me and you've helped clear it up.

Beautifully written. And something we, and our ki...

2008-09-19T21:16:00.000-04:00

Beautifully written. And something we, and our kids, need to be reminded of all the time.

"To avoid seeing color is to avoid seeing the enti...

2008-09-19T21:07:00.000-04:00

"To avoid seeing color is to avoid seeing the entire person." You are so right. The "colorblind" society isn't so, and really shouldn't be. Valuing and understanding each other's culture and color is so much more important.

Wow, TM!! You have blown me away. This is such a...

2008-09-19T20:20:00.000-04:00

Wow, TM!! You have blown me away. This is such a well-written post.

And I must admit that I have used the term China doll, intended as a compliment for the same reasons that MM mentioned. Thanks for creating awareness of a term that can be interpreted as offensive.

Wow! Well written!I have to admit that I have used...

2008-09-19T17:24:00.000-04:00

Wow! Well written!

I have to admit that I have used the term China Doll to compliment a new baby (although, ironically, she wasn't Chinese- she was white). I used it because in my mind, within my realm of life experiences, it meant perfect doll-like beauty, dainty features, delicate complexion, etc. I had no idea of the ugly stereotype implications behind that term. Thank you for educating us about it. But please keep in mind that the information must be given before you can justify being angry with an individual who means to compliment your child in love, and does not intend to be hateful.

I have three boys who are of mixed race- white, Alaskan Native, Russian, and Japanese. They are blond haired and blue eyed, so it is hard to guess by their color what their heritage might be. Because of this we have seen the ugly truth inside many hearts of people we have met. Some have openly displayed prejudice, bigotry, cruel jokes for the people/culture of my husband's family (hence my own children), not knowing that they are speaking directly to the targets of their hatred. I once confronted someone about a very racist joke when my husband was too taken aback to do it- and the man apologized up and down. Even upon meeting him at later run ins, he still apologized. It caused him to rethink his biases towards other races and cultures. I often wonder why so many people don't just speak up for others, even when they aren't the target of the joke.

Sorry to ramble on! Excellent job- and excellent PARENTING!!! Your little girl is surely blessed.

I don't know how I got so lucky, but growing up I ...

2008-09-19T12:27:00.000-04:00

I don't know how I got so lucky, but growing up I really never experienced much racism. (I'm half-Chinese and half Caucasian.) There were occasional comments here and there from classmates, but the intent was really never malicious. I never felt uncomfortable in my skin; well, not from a racial aspect, anyway.

My sister, on the other hand, remembers feeling ashamed at times that she is mixed-race. Being only a year younger than me, I can't fathom why our experiences would be so different.

All you can do is to do your best to instill confidence in your girl. And know you're doing things just right.

Awesome post! Congratulations on the honorable mention.

I thought I was doing it right by teaching my kids...

2008-09-19T12:20:00.000-04:00

I thought I was doing it right by teaching my kids NOT to *see color.* Thanks to your post I have had a paradigm shift. Of course race matters. Silly of me to try and pretend otherwise. I have been trying to teach my children fairness and compassion and equality - no matter what the color of someone's skin. That is important - but so is not pretending there is no difference.

Of course kids *see color* - but kids don't make judgments because of it - I don't think that even occurs to them - they judge for the right reasons. I think that was the message I was trying to give them - and one they already had - they, like all children, knew it intrinsically. Thanks for opening MY eyes to it all. When we know better, we can do better.

Zen Mama Wannabe

Great post. I don't know why anyone feels it neces...

2008-09-19T11:07:00.000-04:00

Great post. I don't know why anyone feels it necessary to disapprove of what your're doing - raising a healthy stable child in a family full of love sounds great to me.

On a side note, I'm half Filipino and my husband is Caucasian and when I got pregnant for the first time, a certain family member kept saying she was so excited "for our little Chinese baby." I kept telling her that I wasn't Chinese, but for some reason, the information didn't sink in...

This is an excellent post. I wish everyone could ...

2008-09-19T08:33:00.000-04:00

This is an excellent post. I wish everyone could read it.

There is beauty in truth and beauty in color....I ...

2008-09-19T08:29:00.000-04:00

There is beauty in truth and beauty in color....I agree with you when people deny or just leave out such a strong part of who they are as it relates to culture and heritage that it creates confusion and to continually weave it into her outer life and her inner life is a beautiful way to embrace who she is for her as your child and you as her parents...great post!

AMEN!

2008-09-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

AMEN!

This was a great post! I worry about Briana and wh...

2008-09-18T09:12:00.000-04:00

This was a great post!

I worry about Briana and what she will face in the future - but I am going to make sure I keep conversations completely open with her as much as I can. I just hope she will come to me with her thoughts and concerns.

I want Bri to be proud that she is a Chinese-American adoptee. I applaud how you are intertwining your culture and your daughter's culture.

It's been a while since I stopped by (just been bu...

2008-09-17T23:56:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I stopped by (just been busy!) but I was so thrilled to see this as the first thing on your page today.

As a first-generation American, who grew up in a diverse community, including several stints abroad, I think you really hit the nail on the head. We are different, beautifully so. And to ignore that, or to blur that, is to muddy the vibrant tapestry that exists in this country.

One of my favorite quotes is from Rainer Maria Rilke: "Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."

Exquisitely well written! I was just thinking the ...

2008-09-17T23:22:00.000-04:00

Exquisitely well written! I was just thinking the other day how much I've seen your writing blossom over the last few months. This just proves what a great writer you are!

and I have to put it out there... I feel so badly that we cannot give our kids more Korean culture. And language lessons and things like that are so expensive :(

I am so glad you found my blog so that I might fin...

2008-09-17T23:20:00.000-04:00

I am so glad you found my blog so that I might find your blog! I love the idea of adoption... regardless of race! And, as so many have already commented, you have articulated thoughts brewing in my head about the subject of multi-cultural adoption far better than I ever could. I'll be forwarding this ling onto some friends who adopted a Chinese girl recently...