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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

How Do They MEET?

In the midst of all of this craziness, the Tongginator dropped a bombshell on me Tuesday afternoon, while the Husband sat in an All Important Meeting and Tonggu Grammy was at the circus with my nieces. In other words, I was On My Own. Not at the circus even though I felt like I was. On my own while the Tongginator dropped her bombshell.

Y'all, the Tongginator asked me how babies were made.

And she wanted Real Answers.

I say she wanted Real Answers because she was not at all satisfied with the standard response I typically trot out at times like these: "it takes a man and woman to make a baby. Then the baby grows in a special place inside the woman's tummy called a uterus. After the baby grows for about nine months, the baby is born."

TONGGINATOR: Yes, but Momma, how do the man and woman make the baby? I mean, they gotta make the baby's hair, and eyes, and bones, and heart, and skin, and all kinds of stuff. That seems like a lot of work. I mean, we're not talking about Play-Dough here.

TONGGU MOMMA: *trying not to laugh, and unsure whether my fit of giggles came from shock, horror or the Play-Dough remark* Well, Tongginator, God does most of the work. It's very miraculous, and God is really the one who makes babies, but He uses a man and woman to help Him.

TONGGINATOR: But how do they help God?

And this is when I began praying to Jesus and all that is holy to smite me right then and there. Because I am NOT the kind of momma who can use words like, well, you know, without dying of mortification. (I know, I know, my poor husband.) And no, I am not exaggerating. Just ask Christine. (Second paragraph up from the bottom: Proof that I am A Total Prude.) Seriously, y'all, I'm not really a grown-up, I just play one on my blog.

TONGGU MOMMA: *deep breaths, possibly of the hyperventilating variety, but I refuse to confirm that* Well, men have something called sperm.

Countless numbers of giggles, which necessitated a bit of a break. And it was the Tongginator giggling, y'all. The TONGGINATOR. She thought the word "sperm" was absolutely the most hysterical thing in the world. You know, because she's seven.

TONGGU MOMMA: Are you ready to hear more? (the Tongginator nodded) Men have something called sperm and women have something called eggs. (the Tongginator gave me A Shocked Look) NOT like a chicken egg, but women have something called eggs. And when a man and woman make a baby, a man's sperm meets a woman's egg.

TONGGINATOR: Umm... Momma? When you say a man's sperm meets the egg, you're not talking about meeting meeting, are you? I mean, the sperm doesn't walk up to the egg and say, "hey, how YOU doin'?"

TONGGU MOMMA: No, honey, that's not what I meant. Hold on a minute.

I ran downstairs, for the sole purpose of grabbing a few books from The Library. Oh, and possibly to freak out a bit more. Then I came back upstairs, carrying one newly published book about the human body and one that was... er... slightly older.

TONGGU MOMMA: *showing her a close-up photograph of a sperm breaking through the covering of an egg* This is what Momma means when I say a man's sperm meets the egg.

TONGGINATOR: Oh. Okay. But how does it get to the egg?

TONGGU MOMMA: Well... it swims there.

TONGGINATOR: *totally shocked now* You mean like when I swim in the pool?

TONGGU MOMMA: Umm... no. More like the way a snake slithers in the grass. Only it is swimming instead of slithering.

TONGGINATOR: Umm... I don't get it.

And that's when I pulled out my handy-dandy "How We Are Born" book, published oh-so-recently in 1975. (Don't judge me.) And I showed her this diagram.


And I started praying. Please, Jesus, don't let her ask more. Please, please, PLEASE don't let her ask more. Thankfully she didn't. Because she Got It. Except for the part about how the sperm gets inside the woman's body. But that part didn't occur to her. Which made me just about break down and sob like a baby in relief.

Because my Oh-So-Prudish-Self couldn't take anymore.

REALLY.

34 comments:

Football and Fried Rice said...

oh!my!

I dont even HAVE a book like that! At all! Do I need one?? heh.

You done good, mama, you done good.

Congrats on your TA!!!!!!

Myrnie said...

Oh man...wow! I got away with "it grows just like you do when you get bigger.". You did great!

Martha said...

i love your comment about not being an adult that you just play one on your blog....too funny!

The Gang's Momma! said...

I.can't.stop.laughing. Hahahahaha. This totally cracks me up. Like tears running down my cheeks kind of laughing....

See, as the mom of two boys first, I've totally had to get over "those words" and my abhorrence of uttering them. Cuz they say them. A. Lot. Sometimes to just "get me." Which makes me feel the need to toughen up so I can't be gotten. It's actually working.

Well, that and my utter, total geekiness and insistence that I tell them the truth when they ask. Which they did. A.LOT. Cuz I got pregnant with LadyBug when they were three and four. Good times. Uh huh. Good times indeed.

STILL laughing. Thanks for that. I'm having so much fun in my head right now ;)

Sherri said...

hahahahahaha!

Dawn said...

Laughing... only 'cause I've got teens now and that conversation was so, so long ago. It's a right of passage... for YOU, mama!... and we've all had to have "that talk!"

Johnny said...

It could be worse, she could be asking the question on the plane ride over to China.

Even better, she could be asking that question on the bus ride to the Civil Affairs Office.

It's best to say, "Ummm, the thingie goes into the other thing and stuff moves around."

Janet said...

Tee hee. You'd be surprised by what she can handle. Just do it "scientifically" and it makes things a WHOLE lot easier. I mean, the whole actual HOW they meet part. And then you talk about the marriage first part. Like, when you're 30.

adoptionparadox said...

....

Um. Okay. Wow.

LucisMomma said...

Been there with our two boys before our DD...and I am just as much of a prude as you are.

This book is pretty good--
http://www.amazon.com/Wonderful-Way-That-Babies-Made/dp/0764223410/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305393125&sr=8-1

Just wait til she walks in on you--then her questions will be answered and she'll be gagging about the answers. LOL

The Byrd's Nest said...

oh my.....please Lord don't let this happen in my house...just yet:) Amen.

Amy said...

I love love love it. My 3 love body-part questions/comments, but thankfully they haven't asked THE question yet. I will be just as squirmy and wiggly when the time comes.

Kristi said...

I snorted a little when I read this. But only because my time is coming ~ hopefully a long, LONG time from now!
Great job though...

prechrswife said...

Oh, my...please don't let this come up at my house for quite awhile longer. Although, I have MJ, so it will probably be sooner than I want it to be, just because of her sheer level of curiosity. I would also fall into the "prude" category.

I think you handled it very well, though. :-)

delucchi family said...

Hee hee, what a funny story! We are 3 down and one to go with the birds and the bees story. So excited for you about Mei Mei coming soon.
Love Jules
xxx

Rachel said...

My parents' philosophy was that we got an answer to ANY question we asked, and they never acted shocked or embarrassed.

The thought was that if they made us feel uncomfortable, about it, then we would stop asking them and ask our buddies at school.

A Beautiful Mess said...

*snort* I would have paid money to be a fly on the wall!!

Ben asked lots of questions over time and by 4th grade had "The Knowledge" as we have come to call it:) Anytime I tried to talk to Hannah about it she would plug her ears and say LALALALAL I don't want to know....and well her Dad is cool with that:)

My mom gave us a book to read called "Where did I come from??" I recall that the sperm wore a top hat....that is all I'm sayin!

Sounds like you gave all the info she was asking for....but she will want to know more! You better go practice!!

LOL....seriously made my day!

Sharie said...

Amelia has been asking more and more questions lately too.
I am just waiting for the one. My "God puts the baby there" is not going to last much longer.

She already knows more than I did in 3rd grade, but I know she'll want specifics LONG before I am ready.
I gold my sister they have to tell her since they failed to tell me:)

Wife of the Pres. said...

CRACKING UP.

And I have to say we didn't get off so "easy" (relatively speaking of course) ;) b/c we have 4 BOYS and well, it doesn't take a big leap for them to figure it out since you know they have the _____.

Nonetheless, the Prez gets to have the *workshop talk* with them as we refer to it. Incidentally, it does occur in our workshop.

Sarah said...

wow. oh WOW oh WOW. And I can't believe that you even had a book like that! Oh wait, I can. I've seen how you organize your bookcase. :)

Holly said...

oh my gosh I am still laughing through the comments! I am laughing only b/c I have once been the prudish one in your shoes with a child the same age as yours asking the questions, only MY child kept on asking until I had to explain "the business". I too was terrified inside and feeling pukish but I decided right then and there that how I responded and reacted would determine how they felt about something that God calls a good and perfect GIFT, so I sucked it up. And He gave me the words and since then, I have had to pursue THEM to follow up and talk about really tough in your face stuff....stuff that I can not type in your comment section lest you fall over dead :)
Love the book. Great Job.
:)

Sunday Koffron said...

GIRL! You are cracking me up. Oh, how I hate those conversations…apparently underneath my 12 year old boy’s sense of humor and my big talk…deep down I am a prude! I’m gonna get a copy of that book so I’ll be ready for my other kids.

Shonda said...

Ha ha ha!!! Just wait. The questions of "how does the sperm get there" are coming soon. Should have stuck with the stork story ;)

lmgnyc said...

You DIDN'T show her a book that old. Say you didn't. TM, I am appalled. You of a million books.

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-Stork-Families-Friends/dp/0763633313/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305428448&sr=8-1

Chris said...

Oh goodness, I think I have that very same book. *gasp*

'We' are so close to having THAT conversation....

It just doesn't get easier....trust me I have already had this chat three times....I should be a pro at it.
But, no. I still shake in my shoes and stutter like a fool.

You did good, my friend. For real.

:)

Annie said...

Haha!!!! I have had "the talk" with our oldest - A BOY!!!! Cause hubby wouldn't do it - the big chicken!! He is not a prude, just a chicken! LOL! Too funny TM!

Kerrie said...

When Buddy was six, we were talking about the girls' bio-family at the dinner table one evening, and he asked, "how can S be Princess's and Peanut's grandma but not the Cuddle Bears?" which led to, "but how can they have different dads but the same mom?" which led to, well, you know. We're pretty un-prude so we bare-bones explained it. He turned as pale as a ghost and said, "Oh. Well. I don't ever want to do THAT. Can you get a baby another way?"

Needless to say, we'll be talking about it more as he gets older. :)

Cavatica said...

It gets easier the more you do it (talk about sex, I mean). Really. As you may know, I started this very early with BB and found some of it very difficult (saying the v and p words came out rather chokingly at first). But it's gotten much easier. My advice, choke through it, turn red, and keep at it. It will get better!

Patty O. said...

I'm so impressed you are all prepared with a book--even if it is almost as old as I am :). I dread the day my kids start asking questions. I may have to take a page from my dad's parenting book and plop the kids down in front of a PBS program about mating, which is how he explained the birds and the bees to my brother...

Aunt LoLo said...

Oh, tM!!!!!!! That's classic.

When I was 9, my father hauled Myrnie and I out of bed one night to watch The Miracle of Life. It's....well, very informative, and factual, and took care of all the explaining. haha

Laura L. said...

Good for you, for answering her questions with honesty and facts. That's all they want anyway, is the truth and facts. Been there, done that when my big kids were growing up.
With my little one, knowing her she'll probably be asking as early as the Tongginator. I know how she is. :)

Aus said...

Beautiful job TM - but dang - you really need to work on that prudish behavior - ya'll will have to have 'that talk' sooner than you think!

hugs - aus and co.

Patricia/NYC said...

Oh.my.gosh!!

Well...ya did GREAT, Tm!!! I'm just surprised the T didn't ask that big ol' follow up question...lol...I KNOW that would be Kiara's 2nd question...yikes, I'm so not up for this yet, but it IS right around the corner, I just know it.

WELL DONE!!!

Foxxy One said...

I didn't read all the responses so forgive me if someone else recommended this book but please please please get a copy of "Where Did I Come From?"

It's age appropriate (I was 8 when my mother gave it to me), it gives a very clinical and honest answer to an important and natural question.

I know it's hard but it's so important to be honest. This book definitely makes it easier for both the child and the parent. This is definitely not a place you would want her to shut down. Being able to come to you with the hard questions - that's something you need to have wide open.