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Monday, January 17, 2011

Why Continue?

When people personally attack my family's decisions, it pretty much rolls off my back. Because I feel confident in our decisions, even though others may not understand them. When someone who adamantly opposes international adoption tells me that I am "despicable" or "sick, sick, sick," I don't try to defend myself. Because people who react that strongly, and with such emotion, don't intend to listen to anything I have to say.

If comments politely disagree and/or ask tough questions, I reread them again and again. They make me think. Sometimes they lead to a change. But if comments are simply personal attacks, I quietly ignore and sometimes even delete them. Grown In My Heart has the same policy. I don't feel awkward about that at all. I am very comfortable listening to voices that express differing opinions - I think my Sunday Linkage speaks for itself in that regard - but I do not believe that I need to subject myself or my readers to vitriol.

Because that's basically what it is.

After Friday's post at GIMH, several individuals attacked me for daring to adopt a second time, especially when I "have repeatedly stated that adoption is rife with fraud and corruption." (Just so y'all know: all but one of their comments have been deleted, in accordance with our comment policy.) I actually didn't think I spoke about adoption ethics all that often, so comments along that bent kinda surprised me. I mean, I once wrote that I believe churches should support just as many family preservation organizations as they do orphan care ministries, and that we as a society should strive to stop the problems that create the need for adoption. I also wrote in another post that potential adoptive parents should only adopt with pure motives, and to go into adoption with their eyes as wide open as possible. And yes, in both of those posts, I talked about corruption. How could I not? Sweeping it under the rug doesn't make it go away.

But that's about all I've shared, which tells y'all that I am in no way a spokesperson for adoption ethics. So yeah, I agree that my husband and I strive to keep adoption ethics a vital part of the equation, but - then again - I think every adoptive parent should do that.

Regardless, if you've ever wondered why the husband and I continue on our path to adopt a second child, despite our knowledge of the tough stuff, well, I'll tell you. It's not a perfect answer, by any means, because the husband and I are imperfect people. It's not The Right Answer, but it's also not a wrong one. It is a simple answer, and it is complex. The simple part is easy...

There are still children living in orphanages.

These past five years, I've truly come to appreciate what so many from the adoption community have patiently attempted to pound into my brain: life doesn't begin in an orphanage. That's an important, IMPORTANT fact to remember. Why are the children living in the orphanage in the first place? How did the children arrive there? And if the need has always been there, where are all of the older children who lived in the orphanage before the country opened to international adoption? VITAL questions to ask when looking at an international adoption program. Because if you don't look at those questions, you may not realize that the countless children living in the orphanages are there simply for the purpose of making money.

But focusing on life before the orphanage does not mean that you can remove the orphanage completely from the equation. There are children living in orphanages. The reasons are complex and varied, and not all apply in every country, but the ones most often cited are: poverty; societal stigma against single motherhood; population control policies; death due to famine, illness or war; neglect/abuse; special needs and on and on. We cannot focus on international adoption as a solution, but neither can we ignore the fact that there are children living in orphanages. We need to work to end the problems that create the need for adoption while at the same time reaching out to the children caught in the middle.

Because there are children living in orphanages.

When we adopted the Tongginator, we were fairly ignorant, but we still strove to make as ethical a choice as we knew. We chose to adopt from Asia for personal, family reasons, but we specifically chose China because of it's ethical reputation and because the children were already living in care when talk of adoption began. We arrived home with our Tongginator in the winter of 2005, well before the Hunan Scandal broke. In fact, our homestudy for this adoption was completed before the Hunan Scandal broke, and it didn't become a big news story until after we received our log-in date. Even after the story hit, I must confess I was still pretty clueless about adoption ethics at that point. I didn't understand the significance of finders' fees. I thought it was an isolated incident. I thought a lot of things. Not a lot sunk in until about three years ago, when I first ventured into the world of adult adoptee and first mother blogs.

By then, mid-2008, China's wait to adopt through the non-special needs program was growing exponentially. If not for this ever-increasing wait, as painful as it has been, the Husband and I probably would have dropped out and/or switched to foster care adoption because of our growing awareness. But this wait tells us that China is fighting, as best it can, to prevent corruption. This wait tells us that China does not want to participate in "legalized human trafficking." This wait tells us that China is working hard to take care of its children within its own borders. China has reduced its number of non-special needs adoptions by over 80% in less than five years. That is huge, y'all.

But there are still children living in China's orphanages. Most have special needs, but not all. In a country of more than one billion people, you cannot tell me that the Americans adopting less than one thousand children classified as non-special needs last year "raped a country of its children." Especially when said children were, on average, about a year old and most often lived in orphanages since they were newborns.

And so we will adopt again.

We don't know everything. We are not perfect. Neither is international adoption. But we feel comfortable with our decision. China is a Hague country. There is an almost five year wait to adopt through its non-special needs program. We would like to parent another child. And our daughter LONGS for a same-race sibling. As people of faith, we have listened to God, and He has told us to continue on this path we walk. That's enough for us. Perhaps it's not enough for you, but it is enough for us.

And, despite what some may say, I believe it will be enough for our daughters. But if it's not, we will work through it as a family. Because that's what we will be: a family.

53 comments:

Cedar said...

Awwww, you aren't asking for sympathy, but it seems like a cyber hug might be in order. I'm all for listening to God and walking His path. Whom am I to judge what He is telling you when I don't always perfectly hear what He is telling me? I think your family will be a great Plan B for any child.

Kerrie (and Jason) said...

I think its sad when someone who clearly hasn't had a good adoption attacks the whole process as bad. Birth children sometimes don't have good story's either - I wonder if they go about getting mad at anyone who has the gall to have kids as a result. This lady needs to figure it out for herself though and I hope she can.

I don't know why some people assume that family's wake up one morning and decide to adopt a child that day just on a whim. All of us have spend years thinking about it prior, and then years waiting and learning. Not something we take on lightly. Not by any means.

Sherri said...

I'm speechless that you would get not just one angry comment, but several. I just don't "get" that vibe from you that "adoption is rife with fraud...."

Yes, it's hard (adoption). Parenting is hard. Marriage is hard. Life is hard sometimes. Personally, you've lost a dear friend to cancer....but that doesn't mean that you stop having friends. IT'S ALL WORTH IT! And you being honest about the journey is what keeps me coming back to your blog. You keep it real.

I really believe that someone who leaves angry comments has other issues going on. It says more about them than it does about you, my friend.

bbmomof2boys said...

"There are children living in orphanages".

Exactly.

Hugs,
Carla

Laurie said...

Angry comments have always confused me. I just don't get what good is going to come out of that. If someone REALLY cared and was REALLY interested, they would email you personally and ask you, in a non-confrontive way, to explain some things to them. What this shows me is that they really don't care. They just want to spew hate.

Megan said...

Amen!

Johnny said...

Stay strong.

lalalorlor said...

Adoption on a whim? Oh suuuuure!! That's what my husband and I did! Three. Different. Times. All 2 years apart - one infant and 2 older special needs..... all from different parts of China with one even from Hunan. I saw no corruption during our 3 adoptions - everyone had a job to do and had to get paid....all of my children were clearly attached to people who loved them and gave them the best care they could with the resources they had. Is there corruption in China - of course there is - my sister and I prayed everyday we would make it out of my nephew's province....it was THAT bad. She went off with just her female guide, my newest nephew who was just seven, 6 cartons of cigerettes, and a huge bottle of Jack Daniels so the police in my nephew's province would issue his passport while I stayed in the hotel with her other 3 children and prayed. In 4 trips to China, that was the first time I did not feel safe and had to give a bribe.

jennifer said...

I couldn't agree with you more. People who choose to attack others on their blogs should go find something productive to do with their time!

"There are children living in orphanages"...enough said!

Briana's Mom said...

Great post and perfectly said. We live in an imperfect world and unfortunately, there will always be children in need of homes and loving families.

I get so frustrated with people that say they are "speaking out" for others when truly they are only speaking for themselves. They are imposing their own ideas, beliefs and/or feelings on a subject based on their own experiences. No one can really speak for someone else.

I'm glad you are able to let attacks roll off your back. This is something I am truly working on.

Wade's World said...

I really don't know why it is anyone's business but your family if or when you decide to adopt again. That is such a personal decision, and it blows my mind that people want to be ugly about helping a child in need.

Kudos to you for a great post!

Gayla said...

Yes, yes, yes!

Thank you for this.

autumnesf said...

ALL children deserve a home. Stopping adoptions will not cure the orphan problem. Absolutely any process that humans touch will be touched by corruption...no matter what it is.

This is exactly why I stopped reading all the other blogs and only look at your Sunday linkage now. After three years getting the crap kicked out of me for adopting internationally I decided I'd had enough. Most of the nasty ones aren't looking for answers in my opinion -- they are looking for their turn at the top of the power curve so they can do unto others as has been done unto them. Solves nothing.

Sorry you felt the need to explain yourself. Providing a same race sibling should be enough for even the most hardened hater. Because hey...its supost to be about the children right?

Sharron said...

I admire you and love reading your blog. It is one of the first blogs I read each day. I am sorry some people are mean and nasty.
I hope you continue giving us your view and opinion because it has helped me decide how I feel about adoption. I support a child in China because I believe in people like you and I want to help in a small way.
Keep on keeping on. There are many of us out here that totally support you.
Can't wait for the new little one to arrive.

Patricia/NYC said...

Great post, TM! Your insight over the years is much appreciated & very valuable!

Hang in there, you have lots of us in your corner!
HUGS!!!

Myrnie said...

I wonder why people think a vitriolic diatribe on the internet will do anything other than make them look like a jerk? Haha- sure not going to change any minds!! Good luck in your next adoption....

Wanda said...

Right on! (Again.)
{{hug}}

sara said...

Thankfully I've only gotten a handful of comments like that. But I'm always amazed at how vicious and holier-than-thou the anit-adoption groups can be.

Telling me I'm not a real parent, or that what I've done is legal kidnapping...well you don't know my situation. And you certainly don't know what led Pie's first family to place her. So I try to let is roll off (as you said), but I still have a little itch in the back of my mind that these folks certainly wouldn't want to run into me in a dark alley.

If the decision is right for your family, then that's all that is important. I for one, think it's amazing that you are adopting again and hope one day I'm lucky enough to adopt again as well.

Dana@adoptionjourney said...

I'm with you. I try so hard to stay educated on all aspects of adoption - for my son's sake. I read your Sunday Linkage each week. I make myself read posts that are uncomfortable. I understand all the concerns but then I look at my son (8 years old and home only 4 months)and I can't bear to think of him living the rest of his life in the orphanage that housed 1000 children. He was housed with the "disabled boys," even though his only special need is cosmetic and hidden by clothing. He's bright and sweet and I can't apologize for bringing him into our family. I'm all for adoption reform, but my son needed a home now.

The Byrd's Nest said...

I'm so sorry my friend that you have been attacked by vicious words. If anyone read your words with an open heart they would see how much you care about changes in adoption and it being for the good of the children and adoptive families and first families. There is no magical solution...that is for sure. But if we didn't have people like you speaking out and helping to educate all of us....where would we be?

I was also blind and deaf when we adopted Lottie....I just lived in ignorance. I wanted another child...I wanted a child that did not have a family. The End. But it is much more than that and my feelings and views have changed alot over the last two years and that came from reading blogs like yours and adult adoptee blogs. I think that sometimes AP's do not read adult blogs because they don't want to think about their adopted or future adopted children they are waiting on to hurt like that...well...they need to wake up! The pain is a reality.

I chose to adopt because God was leading me in that direction. I am thankful for my children...oh so thankful...but at the same time..I wish they didn't have to suffer so much emotionally. Yes, bio children suffer sometimes too with emotional issues but these are different...oh so different.

I appreciate you my friend...your heart for children...your heart for the Lord...and your constant strife to educate all of us. Big giant hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

pickel said...

Great post TM. I don't think you have to explain yourself but you have done a tremendous job of explaining the reasons why so many of us do adopt. Whether it be because we want to have a family or because we choose to help...adoption isn't wrong.

the meaklims said...

Adoption should be up there with those other controversial subjects, like politics and religion!

I believe that those people who are anti-adoption are the same as those who are anti-Christianity. They generally just want to argue their point and throw out bitter words, they don't want to listen to your point of view. And that's okay. That's their point of view. They're allowed to have it.

Now mix religion and adoption. WOW! Haha! God had our families all figured out a long time ago, so I (personally) believe He put adoption on my heart. And nobody, not anyone, is going to sway a decision that God is telling me to do. Because I believe in Him with all that I am and have.

TM, you are one of the only women, I read your blog posts and I appreciate every single one of them. You are level headed, you are smart and your writing makes me say 'Amen' every single time.

I'm very excited to see you bring home this new little one.

Jill

Holly said...

I so appreciate all the research you have done TM. I have learned SO MUCH from you.
And I can't wait to see the side shots of your little Mei Mei :)

Stefanie said...

Aw, man! Mean people stink!
Honestly, I can't believe anyone would have anything to say against you... goodness gracious!
But I am so glad you were able to share where your heart is, though... I know it spoke to mine and will to MANY others as well.
Love to you, my friend!!

Sunday Koffron Taylor said...

Oh TM, I won’t give you a hug since you are not into that kind of thing. ; )

Child abandonment, adoption, and foster care they are all like you say “tough stuff”. I personally wish that more of those qualified and willing to adopt would do so out of the foster care system right here in our own country and less international adopting, especially from non-Hague countries. We are not hopeless trash, to be over looked and tossed away.

Are there big ethical problems with adoption? Yes! Should more be done to keep poor but motivated and capable natural, birth, first families together? Absolutely! Should YOU leave one more child in an orphanage for one more day than you have to? Heck NO!

I imagine that most of the people calling for an end to all adoption now haven’t or don’t remember spending time in the system. It is not a good time!

cw said...

This is not an original quote and I don't know who said it originally but adoption is a redemptive response to tragedy.


It is not a perfect system and it should not be the first choice for children but that doesn't mean that for some children that it isn't their best option. People who want to reduce it to all adoption is bad are as equally wrong as the people who think that adoption is a right.

Dawn said...

"As people of faith, we have listened to God, and He has told us to continue on this path we walk. That's enough for us."

And THAT was enough for me... not that your decision was really any one else's business anyway!

Sorry for the attacks... completely undeserved.

Be blessed!

Walking to China said...

We don't punish children by leaving them in orphanages because off adult corruption and poor adoption ethics. I think that you have made it clear that your support reform to the orphan dilemma on all levels.
The idea that adoption is legal kidnapping? Well, I invite those people to spend some time in an orphanage. Not on a tour or mission trip where things get all pretty. Listen to the people who live in country and see what they see. Anti-adoption people might change their stance if they observed reality.

Sharie said...

Even with everything I know now, I can't say I would make a different choice than I did in 2004 when I sent my paperwork. Sometimes there is a lot more to our choices than one blog post or even an entire blog can communicate, this is why we have to be careful not to jump to conclusions about other's decisions.

my3 kids said...

Well said girl. I know for our family we have one bio son and our second a daughter born in Vietnam could not wait for a sister who looked similar to her and let me tell you they are now 11 and 6 ( this week) and over the moon to having eachother. Nothing is perfect in this world but children living and growing up in SWI is not my idea of perfect either so why not become a family? Family is what's it's all about and we love all 3 of our children the very same no matter how they came to us:) We can't wait for you guys to get your referral..fingers crossed that it is soon!

Hugs,
Janice

Wendy said...

My take on all that vitriol? There will always be people who need something, anything to bitch about. They are filled with hate, and their rhetoric says as much. I feel sorry for them. As you say, nothing you can say is going to change their points of view. And attacking someone's personal decision on how to build a family, particularly given what you've shared about yours time and time again? Leaves me incredulous. I have no words.

Walking to China said...

One more thing...there are children who live in orphanages....who are not always fed, not always changed, not always loved, not always given medical care, rarely held to be fed, and not given chances to love and be loved. They age out at an age where in America, kids can't even drive. They become the lowest workers, the prostitutes, they are the ones the pornographers use, they are the ones with drug problems and HIV. Any anti-adoption position that doesn't acknowledge this is shamefully naive and hopelessly arrogant.

AwesomeCloud and family said...

That reminds me - I haven't gotten around to congratulating you on your Number 2. Congrats!

I'm not sure why people can't separate ethics issues from individual cases and just be happy for you, but I'm happy for you.

Kim said...

Exactly! We support you and your thoughtfulness in the process!

And as for the really aggressive commenters, I have yet to find a habitual bomb-dropper who simultaneously promotes the SOLUTION to the core problems (and no, "ban adoption outright" doesn't count).

It's easy to snipe, harder to dig deep enough and give time and money to help alleviate poverty, HIV, etc.

Sarah said...

I think the trash typer clearly isn't a reader of yours and has no idea what you're all about. Just wants to put down someone who she sees through her tinted glasses as an AP adopting a second time "knowing" this adoption will be full of fraud, and doing it anyway.

Suzy said...

I think you know that I really love the way you write and the things you write. Just have to say, though, that this is probably my favorite of all your posts. Hmmm, it didn't lead to laughter or tears. It just says what it says so clearly and simply, and I couldn't agree with you more.

Campbell said...

"Are there big ethical problems with adoption? Yes! Are there big ethical problems with adoption? Yes! Should more be done to keep poor but motivated and capable natural, birth, first families together? Absolutely! Should YOU leave one more child in an orphanage for one more day than you have to? Heck NO!"

Good luck on your trip : )

Aus said...

Morning TM - just remember that there are trolls everywhere! But trolls - like most other mean creatures - are typically to stupid to be anything but ignorant!

It's interesting that the comments revolve around corruption in the system....I didn't get that from you - and based on my experiences with international adoption from two different countries both pre and post hague - I'm not willing to concede that there is wide spread corruption out there. Isolated stuff? Sure - but look at the melamine issue in China a few years ago - or the countless 'scandals' from here in the good ol USA. It occurs - is dealt with - and then we move on.

BTW - who's 'ethical standards' do we hold other countries / cultures to, our's or theirs? I'm just wonderin.....

And as long as there are orphans - the need for adoption will be there. It's an imperfect solution (you and I well agree on that) - but this is an imperfect world - and so we do what we can to rectify what we can - and feel sorrow for the rest.

Hugs - keep deleting the trolls - those that know you guys love you guys!

aus and co.

Reena said...

Great Post!

We can work to make changes to the situations that caused our children to become available for adoption-- but in the meantime,

"There are still children living in orphanages."

I have wondered what some folks do who are anti-adoption-- to make changes that lead children to become available for adoption.

Best Wishes to you on your upcoming adoption trip!

Special K said...

Very well said.

Patty O. said...

I admire your courage and faith. I wish people would stop being so vindicative and judgmental, but I suppose that will never happen.

Good luck! I really appreciate how open and genuine you are; it's obvious you have thought long and hard about your decisions.

Lisa said...

A day late ( again ) and my instinct is to offer a hug, but I'm not gonna do it! :) ...cuz I know it will make you cringe! lol

Stay strong Mama....you know your reasons and you are entitled to keep them personal and personally yours.

I suspect that those who object the strongest are the least prepared to really look at the hard truths and realities of adoption.

Jay said...

"I suspect that those who object the strongest are the least prepared to really look at the hard truths and realities of adoption."

yes, because clearly adoptees know nothing about adoption

Dita said...

So eloquently stated, TM...as only you can! I am so proud of you for rationally dealing with the irrational.......you're a better woman than I.

Yes, there are STILL children in orphanages.....and they are entitled to find their forever families... your daughter among them.

Hugs,

Dita

Anonymous said...

Orphanages are "holding pens" for human chattel to be exported to the United States and other wealthier countries. They will DISAPEAR when the money does.

As long as people buy children, orphanages will continue to exist.

If you FUND human trafficking, you FUND orphanages and are part of the PROBLEM not the solution.

So sayeth the adoptee.

planetnomad said...

I'm a bit late and I didn't read the comments, just the one above me. I lived in Morocco for a time, and children are not allowed to be adopted there, and yet orphanages exist and are overcrowded, and babies are abandoned in the streets and sometimes even killed. Stopping adoption won't fix a thing. Of course we must fight corruption and stealing and other horrors, but the answer isn't to swing the pendulum the other way.
As always, TM, you offer a nuanced and thoughtful response. I've learned so much from you! Bravo, my friend, and best wishes as you bring your daughter home.

Cedar said...

I just wanted to mention that it appears that there is a second blogger who uses the name "Cedar." The first comment at the top of this post was not me. My blog is not "Joyful Mama Gives In!" but is "Adoption Critique: The blog of a natural mother." Many folks who post here know me (and I gratefully thank Tonggu Momma for the linkings back to my blogs! thank you so much!) :)

I had received an email from one of my readers alerting me that I had posted here, to my surprise! So I see there are two of us. :) Not that Cedar is that unusual as a name, or even a pen-name.

Anyway: Hi Cedar, pleased to meet you. - Cedar :)

Kristen {RAGE against the MINIVAN} said...

So sorry you got the trolls, both here and over at GIMH. You, more than anyone I know, are willing to listen to the perspective of others and it burns me that you would be attacked. And your response is right on.

And to anonymous:
"Orphanages are "holding pens" for human chattel to be exported to the United States and other wealthier countries. They will DISAPEAR when the money does."

Yes. That's why there are no orphanages in Zimbabwe, where adoption is illegal. *cough*

Amanda said...

And my comment honestly isn't about what you put in your post. But if you were to ask me why some people don't talk about their views or experiences in adoption, it's because they get responses like some of the ones here. I suppose the anticipation of just being ignored, such down, and labeled as having a "bad experience," as having in invalid opinion, and a voice that doesn't represent anything important is why people may be rude to begin with when sharing their thoughts.

Do assumptions about people being "anti-adoption" are help anything? Being anti-Christianity?? Having "bad experiences?" Really??

Does anyone really know another person to say those things?

As someone who is often accused of being "anti-adoption" (no, I was not at the GIMH post, I rarely go there), I had neither a bad experience (unless you count losing my original mother--which I'd like someone to explain how loss is a "good" experience) nor have problems with my Adoptive Parents, but I do indeed critique adoption.

I think adoption is a reaction to the problem of child abandonment, the stigmas of out of wedlock birth, and poverty. It does not solve it. It does not address it at its roots. It does not keep orphanages from filling back up. Finding out WHY children are in orphanages to begin with and addressing those issues will. I was in foster care, would I have wanted to stay there? No. But I was not materialized in foster care. I had a family; where were they? What were their needs that caused the separation? What could have been done differently?

What is helpful to children is important (which yes, this is a global issue where all can have opinions, not just a private family one) and many people have many different ideas on what that means. I respect a variety of opinions regardless of whether or not they respect mine.

This is what some "anti-adoption" individuals are asking people to look at. I don't agree with what every one who opposes adoption has to say. But as someone who gets lumped in with one big stereotyped crowd of people an awful lot, I had to say my bit here.

(sorry about the double post)

Anonymous said...

I know you will probably close these comments soon but here's my 2 cents, as ANOTHER ADOPTEE:

@Lisa, I have to agree; I do think that is part of it. Some adult adoptees can't see beyond their own issues and pain and therefore lump all adoptions into the same experience or category. That's not right and it doesn't represent all of us.

I was adopted from overseas at an older age; I rarely share my thoughts but this struck a nerve. My existance was hell; I'm sorry but it was. I was not "bought or exported" or anything else. I was considered trash in my own country and an afterthought to my bio. family: that is if they thought of me at all.

It took an American family to see beyond my ragged haircut and clothing ....to see the real me. An older child worthy of a family and a life outside of an institutionalized setting.

Did I have an initial loss? Yes. But at no fault to my American family and long before they entered the scene.

How thankful I am that they did. Sorry if that offends other AA's.I wouldn't presume to judge your loss or feelings about adoption. Please don't presume to know my own. I AM thankful for the family I now have and adoption was the path that brought us together.

So @ Jay & others, please don't pretend to speak for us all. You are only equipped to speak for yourself. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

TM - I love your blog, I really do. I appreciate the humor and honesty you bring to mundane and serious issues that parents and adoptive parent face. Every day I look forward to seeing if you've posted. But, and I'm sorry, and I'm not flaming you, but, really - you're adopting again b/c kids still wait in orphanages? You have the right to chose whatever you think is best for your family, but you know that even if you weren't in line for the NSN program in China, there are thousands of families waiting to adopt a child from that program. Those children are not waiting in orphanages - they are processed internationally as soon as it is determined that a Chinese family is available to adopt them. You are not in line to adopt a child who would not otherwise have a home. There are more waiting parents than waiting NSN children in China, and that is a fact.

http://www.lwbcommunity.org/international-adoption

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2010/07/amy-eldridge-of-lwb-speaks.html

I am not pointing this out to criticize your choice - that is your family's to make. But as I said in the beginning, I look forward to reading your blog in large part b/c of the honesty you bring to the table. I didn't see that in this post. I'm an adoptive parent, and I couldn't put myself out there the way you do, and I appreciate the fact that you do so. But, I also don't justify my choice as having helped an orphan in need. My daughter is from Viet Nam, and as a smaller and differently organized program, there were only hundreds of families waiting for her. If my family wasn't in line, she would have ended up with an equally as deserving family. My husband and I were lucky and blessed beyond measure to have been given the opportunity to parent a healthy and young child, and we sing that truth from the treetops.
Laura

a Tonggu Momma said...

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Laura, I think that you were reading this post from a different perspective than the one I had when I wrote it. We adopted the Tongginator and are adopting again because we want another child. Period. I do not believe in adopting to - quote - save a child. I didn't feel this post even approached saying that until I read your comment.

I wrote this post in response to some wondering why we feel comfortable adopting, knowing what we know about adoption. By this they mean the losses associated with adoption, the belief that many international programs are filled with corruption, and the truth that adoption is not a solution to larger societal problems. While I DO strongly believe in working to end the problems that create the need for adoption, and our family does what we can in this regard, we also believe in adoption. Because there are children living in orphanages. That's why we feel comfortable, from an ethics standpoint, adopting again.

Yes, there are families lining up to adopt these children. We are one of them. Because we want another child. But we can't just stop there. We have to ask ourselves the hard questions about the ethics of the particular program we've chosen. I think that is important.

This post was about me sharing my thought process in regards to that. That's all it was. We started this adoption process because we want another child. We feel comfortable continuing, in terms of ethics, because we still do believe that there are children living in orphanages, and that China is doing everything it can to prevent corruption. Yes, fewer children classified as NSN - but that's why the wait is as long as it is.

thegypsymama said...

I think you are wonderful and patient and thoughtful and wise.

Thank you for putting so much out there for so many to sift through.

And thank you for being willing to step up and be someone's mama, no matter what anyone else may say. I think that's what mom's do, yes?

LJ