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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May She Rest In Peace

For those of y'all who have been thinking, "where's the funny lately? I come here for the funny," well, I'm hoping today will not disappoint. Because my life has been funny-free for a few months (most probably because I've been lying sick on the couch more often than not), but yesterday morning the funny arrived in spades.

As did the Grossness.

Just so you know.

I need to warn y'all... if you are animal rights activists, stop reading now. Because an animal was harmed in the writing of this post. Not by Tonggu Momma. I want to make that clear. But I will be making fun of a rather sad event in these next few moments. Consider yourself properly warned. And - to further exonerate myself - absolutely none of this was my fault. I simply dealt with the fall-out. Got that?

It. Wasn't. My. Fault.

It was the the stupid cat's fault.

As I've said before, the stupid cat - otherwise known as Molly - started life as a feral feline. And when I say feral, I mean FERAL, as in never been owned, can't touch her unless you want scars kind of cat. Over the years, especially after the recent blizzards, she's deigned to accept the husband and me as part of her family. In other words, she allows us to pet her, but only on her terms. She also graciously allows us to feed and house her outdoors.

This doesn't stop her from hunting though.

(And y'all totally know where this is going now, don't you?)

Yesterday morning, after I arrived home from walking the Tongginator to the bus stop, I noticed Molly sitting at the sliding glass door off our kitchen. In the rain, mind you. She was meowing loud enough to wake the dead, although I can really only say that figuratively, since - lying at her feet - was a very adorable, very tiny, very dead baby bunny.

Yes, y'all... it seems that Molly?

Brought us a present.

The stand-off lasted about ten minutes. I tried to go about my typical morning routine, cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast, drinking my second cup of coffee, doing the dishes, picking up the family room. NORMAL stuff. Except, all the while, I listened to the ever-increasing volume of the stupid cat. And I felt her eyes follow me everywhere I stepped. I also felt the lifeless eyes of the cute, adorable, DEAD bunny boring into my soul.

Thumper was STARING at me, y'all.

May she rest in peace.

*sob*

I finally gave in when the stupid cat began pushing Thumper closer to our sliding glass door, using first her paw, then her nose. Oh. My. Lands. *gag* At this point I accepted that neither Molly nor I would ever last until the Husband's arrival at dinnertime. I was gonna have to deal with this myself. And - for obvious reasons - I didn't want to.

*sob again*

Normally the husband and I are a very egalitarian couple. I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. The husband tends to putter in the garden more than me because 1. he enjoys it, and 2. I have asthma and allergies. We share chores fairly equally, understanding that I still do the vast majority of them since I don't work outside the home and he does.

(Having a blog isn't really a job... is it?)

Still, there are some things I don't do. And THIS? This is one of them. It's the husband's job to... to... well, to do THIS, for example. I just don't go there. I won't. I refuse. Except when the stupid cat is staring at me, with her heart in her eyes, wondering why I'm ignoring the present she brought me.

Because Molly considered it a GIFT, y'all.

A gift that I was totally ignoring.

I finally did what any reasonably sane, mature woman in her mid-thirties would do in this situation... I called my momma. Thankfully, Tonggu Grammy answered the phone on the second ring. I apprised her of the situation. And that's when she told me to "get a shovel." Well, duh. I knew that, Tonggu Grammy. I wasn't calling for INSTRUCTIONS. I was calling for MORAL SUPPORT.

Or maybe possibly because I was oh-so-hoping you would offer to drive three hours, round-trip, to take care of it for me.

(A girl can dream, can't she?)

I got the shovel. And a trash bag. While I was still on the phone with Tonggu Grammy. And it's a good thing, too. Because little Thumper didn't seem to want to get ON the shovel. I tried everything. Without going into too much detail, let's just say that it took quite a bit of maneuvering for me to carefully transfer little Thumper's lifeless body from our back deck into the trash bag.

I, of course, did so in a suitably reverent manner.

Just ignore the fact that I used a trash bag rather than a coffin of some sort.

And ignore the fact that - this entire time - Tonggu Grammy was offering up helpful bits of advice over the phone. The phone that I still held to my ear, using my shoulder. Also ignore the fact that - this entire time - Molly the Stupid Cat was purring and winding her way in and around and between my legs, as if to remind me of her Hunting Prowess.

Oh. My. Lands.

I am just so grateful that yesterday was trash day, y'all.

And that no one actually saw me doing this.

To make matters worse, my four-year-old niece M&M overheard my momma's half of the conversation. She wanted to know what exactly was going on, so my momma explained, saying "remember the dead squirrel you and Baby Ruth found in Grammy's backyard last week? Aunt Tonggu Momma has a dead bunny on her back deck." That's when M&M wanted to talk with me, offering up her own helpful advice. "Aunt Tonggu Momma, all you need to do is get a shovel and then throw the bunny in the woods like Tonggu Grammy did with the squirrel."

Wonderful.

Carion Removal advice from a four-year-old.

And I totally would have thrown Thumper in the woods, except Molly the Stupid Cat was staring at me. And if I threw it Thumper in the woods, Molly the Stupid Cat would totally know that I rejected her gift.

So to the trash Thumper went.

*sob AGAIN*

Tonggu Grammy called about an hour later to tell me that Thumper's demise led to a rather unfortunate conversation with my niece. You see, M&M didn't exactly understand how the bunny ended up right next to our back door, seeing as how bunnies don't typically hop up three steps onto someone's deck. Which means my momma had to explain to M&M that Molly the Stupid Cat killed Thumper. Which led to M&M wondering why Molly killed Thumper. When Tonggu Grammy explained the circle of life, M&M's eyes grew saucer-like before she said, "well, WE don't eat animals, right, Tonggu Grammy?"

Umm... yeah... about that...

As Tonggu Grammy inwardly cringed, but matter-of-factly explained an omnivore's diet, my four-year-old niece M&M grew increasingly devastated, while my two-year-old niece Baby Ruth chanted in the background, "cows... cows say moo... MOO cow."

Which means that, not only did I become a Carion Removal Expert, I am quite probably responsible for my four-year-old niece's recent decision to become a vegetarian.

Because cows say moo... MOO cow.

But at least they aren't named Thumper.

37 comments:

Cristina said...

Ha!! Just hilarious TM!!!

Kim K. said...

This was just what I needed to start my morning. Glad it was YOUR house and not mine.

Jennifer said...

Priceless!!!

(Although I really am terribly sorry that you had to play funeral director for Thumper...)

bbmomof2boys said...

We had a cat that would do the same thing. And you are right - they are so proud of themselves! heeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

At least Thumper wasn't half eaten....mooo cow!!

Hugs,
Carla

Elouise82 said...

*snort* We had wild bunnies near our last house, who were quite fearless ... until the day I came out to the porch to discover the neighborhood cat ravaging their bodies. I was furious ... and sick ... and if I'd had a shotgun there would have been no more neighborhood cat.

Your poor niece! I don't think we'll have the same problem with our Joy ... at two-and-a-half she has already been known to cluck like a chicken while eating her nuggets. I think she's fully embraced a lifestyle of eating animals.

Though not bunnies.

Aus said...

All cats are feral - even the one's in the house!! I'll tell you a bunny story sometime - not pretty - but at least you know that as far as the cat goes - your're in! ;)

hugs - aus and co.

Holly said...

ugh! I do not like the circle of life myself. Poor niece of yours!
I've told my children from the get go where meat comes from so they won't die of shock when they are TEN and find out! (like some people I know!)
According to my dietician, I need protein 3 times a day...as in meat...eggs...NOT nuts/soy/tofu.
MEAT.
Yeah. Well that lasted about 3 weeks of me gagging it down. Literally. And I? FELL off the bandwagon and haven't talked to dietician again b/c I am NOT going to eat meat three times a day. Nope. Sorry lady!
I do find the value in soluable fiber though and beans will need to stay a staple in my diet.
Anyway, aren't you just thrilled that you had a breakthrough in attachment with the feral cat?
Progress :) ha ha ha!

happygeek said...

Hey, I am not supposed to laugh. (Cause it hurts) but I sure did. That's quite the mental picture you've created there.

(I'm on some serious drugs, so while I really tried to think of a pun, I fell flat.)

Elizabeth@Romans8:15 said...

awwwwwwwww, a dead bunny on your deck. Nothing says love like a dead bunny.

Cheri said...

Oh the joys of "owning" a cat! There will be plenty more "gifts" from Molly. I'm sorry your the one who had to deal with the poor bunny.

I feel terrible for TG and your niece! Not too terrible that I did not laugh. ;)

jen@odbt said...

You have your own Fatal Attraction set over there. Oh boy I don't know if I could have handled that.

Dawn said...

You wouldn't even want to know what kinds of gifts our cats have brought to us over the years. The live snake brought into the house and dropped on my bare foot was the "best" one. I'm still in therapy overy that one.

Have you really stopped to think about the cat's thought process, though? I mean, really... that cat made a decision to bring it to YOU. That's pretty incredible, in my view. Awesome (!!!) is our creator to instill love/care even into animals.

Humans should be so caring.

Sarah said...

Hahaha! rofl... um, ahem. As a country girl who has had cats most of her life, I am reminded of the many times I've had to let some innocent hearts in on the secrets of the circle of life. It's not an easy one to do, and it gets harder with age. It sounds like, all things considered, you handled it with great grace and aplomb.

I guess all that bribery to Molly went to good effect; she's definitely let you know that you're *in* her club. lol

Laurie said...

I am howling. That's hysterical, at least until it happens to me!

Laurie said...

I am rolling! I feel like I watched the whole scene from St. Louis. Then I was reminded of a GREAT Friend's episode where Phoebe sings, "Oh the cow in the meadow goes Moo. Oh the cow in the meadow goes moo. Then the farmer hits him on the head and chops him up and that's how we get hamburger!" :)

prechrswife said...

Funny!

LucisMomma said...

"Carrion Removal advice..." that's when I started LOL.

Laughter, from a mom whose 5 yo DD thinks hamburger comes from pigs. Because ham=pork.

Sandra & Steve said...

So funny, just what I needed. Love that you love your cat too, so sweet. My husband and I were walking along the fairway behind our yard with our daughter (almost 3. We pointed out a flock of birds overhead, oh look at that big one...that hawk...ahh...that one that just struck the little bird right out of the air...oh look honey, is that a golf tee? ;0)

Sherri said...

You should be celebrating! Molly is bringing you gifts! She is advancing in the attachment process!!!!

Who else but you would have a cat with these issues? At least she's making progress.

Lisa said...

Is it wrong to laugh?? :)

*grin* You had me at "feral cat" with this one....you had me! :)

I do believe we have Molly's male counterpart on resident right here in the ole Midwest. Last week he brought a present too....but guess what? When I opened the slider it quickly became obvious that said "gift" was not completely dead and still quite spry......I can laugh about it now but Tyler is still telling folks this:

"Mama run"....moush(mouse)" Yes.That's.Right.........Alive I say! And frisky! :)

Lisa said...

and yeah, I did run. I'm not proud but I ran like the wind clutching toddler boy!

Misty said...

the comments have been just as funny as your post, tm!!! :)
as not so proud owner of 3 cats, one of whom is the prowler aka feral, yeah, we've had some serious gifts as well. and he yowls. he is the fattest, laziest cat who would rather yowl up the house than jump the little fence where he can then come in the open windows/doors. cats are impossible!!! i'm really glad i didn't have to see poor thumper tho. and i'm also really glad we havent had the meat convo w/ my boys yet! (we're 95% veggie, but for that 5% we get at mcd's ... yeah)

Georgia Peach said...

Oh dear, an existential meltdown at four years old. Hmmmm, she's a smart one, that M&M.

Well, at least she can still have chicken nuggets...there's no animal products in there. *smirk*

Georgia Peach said...

Super glad to hear you are feeling better.

Wendy said...

Boy, can I relate. We have three dogs, so we have received many gifts, mostly birds and mice. My dogs are speedy quick, it seems. Two years ago, we received a headless rabbit in our foyer, a present from our smallest, but most evil, canine friend. We must celebrate Easter at Grandma's, because my daughter believes we cannot have an Easter egg hunt at our house or the dog will eat the Easter bunny. However, our best gift came in the form of an ENTIRE DEER LEG. Yep...the whole thing from hip to hoof. My dogs do not fool around. Like an idiot, I kept hauling the leg into the woods, afterwhich my dogs would break free from our fence and retrieve the leg. They were very proud of their efforts.

Being a pet owner is gruesome, but it makes for a good story! Thanks for sharing yours!

Myrnie said...

Oh no.... gross!!

And yeah, we've started to have those "but WE don't eat animals, right? WE don't kill animals, because we're not bad guys." Guess who's been watching Bambi??

Suzy said...

It's never a good idea to call it by a name. It's a far better thing to refer to it simply as "the body". My favorite dog was a fierce hunter, and one day she just wasn't coming when we called. She was down by the creek that runs through our back yard, and I could just tell she had "a body". My husband was frustrated at her refusal to come to the house. I just yelled in my most excited proud/happy voice, "Hope! What did you get? Bring it here!!!" My husband gave me a really weird look, but Hope came proudly running to share her bounty. Ever afterwards, she was waiting at the door with "the bodies", and at least I didn't have to carry the shovel down to the creek.

Sharie said...

Did you know I'm afraid of cats?
Did you know I just allowed a cat into my home?
Did you know I will now be sleeping with one eye open?
Just kidding! Thankfully our cat is not Feral - not for a lack of Feral cats in town thanks to a huge flood a couple years ago and several hundred still empty flooded out houses.

Now it does remind me of two stories about my little terrier Jack - the time she brought her ground squirrel friend (still moving) INTO my house. Thankfully I was able to point at the door and calmly say, "GET THAT OUT OF MY HOUSE!" and she took it out to the backyard where she promptly ate what she wanted and buried the rest.

And the time when I left her at my parents and she chased the rabbits under the playhouse in the backyard and got stuck. My dad was about to get out the car jack to get her out when she finally squeezed free.

Man was that dog a hunter...

I feel for you though! Nothing worse than not having a husband around to dispose of the nastiness that our animals bring us.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I feel bad for you...... I would have been cringing with that shovel in hand. I don't do those types of chores either.....I save those for Pat!! Sounds like M&M might be getting her first taste of Tofu.....

Let's hope Molly doesn't decide to bring you anymore "gifts".....and if she does, I hope she waits until TD is home.

HubeiMama said...

I literally just had this long comedic conversation on Facebook about a similar event in our life. J is TDY at the moment and the cat decided to leave me a bird and Ava a mole - kindly deposited on the doorstep of her new playhouse.

The mole disappeared on its own (eaten, I think) after a couple of days but I was forced to remove the bird on my own. I tossed it in my neighbor's yard. (I know, it was horrible of me.)

Wanda said...

Ah.....(well, after a respectable moment of silence and reverence for the demise of poor Thumper...I thought)....she's back!

God is in his heaven, TM has her humor back and all is well with the world.

Well....all except for poor Thumper.

*sob*

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

yet another reason to move to a farm. : )

The Gang's Momma! said...

Sheeeeeeeeeeeee's baaaaaaaaaaack!

:) LOL - that was definitely a perfect re-entry to the funny.

Best line in the whole thing? "Carion Removal advice from a four-year-old."

Choked on my lukewarm coffee.

Aunt LoLo said...

That? Is awesome.

I don't think Ming Wai is going to have an issue with the whole omnivore thing. When she was just barely three, we took a trip to McDonald's...and she sang "Old McDonald" while eating her chicken nuggets. 'cause she knew it was chicken. Heh.

Lisa (Briana's Mom) said...

Good grief - I think I just became a vegetarian after hearing that. Snort.

My kitty is an indoor kitty. This particular reason (um, gifts and all) is one of the main reasons. I can't handle it. I'm too much of a sissy.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

Oh. My. Goodness!

autumnesf said...

hysterical!!!

When our son found out about where meat actually comes from his response was:

Can WE go KILL a chicken so we can eat it???????

Kid should have had a father that hunts! LOL!!! No trauma there!