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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

JC's Endless Questions

Several times in the past two weeks, the Tongginator complained to me that her sweet buddy JC, who *sob* will be moving in a few weeks, continues to pepper her with questions about adoption. This makes the Tongginator feel very uncomfortable, since she doesn't always want to talk about China nor her first family nor all things adoption-related. My insightful little gal even went so far as to connect the dots of this little gem:

"Momma, JC always wants to ask me about my mom in China and lots of times it makes me feel sad. But JC never asks Posies about HER mommy. Why does JC ask me about MY China mommy, but she doesn't ask Posies about HER mommy?"

Well, now, if that's not opening up a can of worms, I don't know what is. Because I'm guessing that someone told JC that asking Posies such a question might make Posies feel very sad. But I wonder if anyone ever explained to the adorable JC that asking the Tongginator about her China mommy might make the Tongginator feel sad, too?

Something to think about, surely.

I tried to answer the Tongginator's question in an age-appropriate way, stressing that JC simply feels curious, but before I could get out even five or six words, the Tongginator moved on to a new thought. She wanted to know how to stop JC from asking those questions.

(Girlfriend, if I knew how to get people to stop asking nosy questions, I just might be a millionaire. Because people would pay good money for a solution to THAT problem.)

Anyways, I told the Tongginator that it's pretty difficult to control what other people say to us, but we can definitely control how we respond to their words. I reminded the Tongginator of her adoption Top Ten list from this past fall. Oh, how she beamed with empowerment as she recalled her options, one by one.

And then yesterday...

The Tongginator thought up a brand-new way to deal with JC's curiosity. She offered to let JC watch her "China baby movie" highlighting our adoption trip and first month together as a family.

the Tongginator is rubbing her eyes because of allergies, y'all, not
because she's feeling sad ... her movie always seems to comfort her

And so they did.


Although this little post of mine only touches on the topic, I'd like to point y'all to several bloggers who've recently been discussing "adoption talking" with their children. Spurred by adoptive dad Brian's post last week, adoptive moms Diane, Dawn, Malinda and Jessica, as well as adoptee/ adoptive mom Raina, all expressed their various viewpoints this week.


Tonggu Grammy said...

Why, she's brilliant, of course! That movie should should answer all of JC's questions. For all of your beloved followers, it's a GREAT movie. I'm just saying.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

creative thing isn't she? Glad it worked out so well. My kids LOVE to talk about it thus far.....we'll see how it goes when we move this summer and there is a whole new set of questions...

happygeek said...

Lots to think on. A few of my friends were adopted when I was a kid and we were always told that we NEVER brought up adoption with them unless they did as it was really none of our business. If I had questions I was to ask my parents, not the friend.
Glad to see the always resourceful Miss T came up with a good solution.

Nicole said...

I love her top ten list!

RoseBelle said...

Yes, I'm with you on this, I'd be a millionaire too if I could get people to stop asking nosy questions. It's hard to explain to kids why people do what they do in a context that they would understand. You handled it well indeed.

CC said...

I thought she was hiding her eyes in embarrassment. The Flash gets like that whenever someone outside of the family watches him do anything. glad to hear it's "just" allergies.

Patty O. said...

Wow, she IS really insightful!

And you know, this is a great post because I think most of us probably never thought about adoption that way. I think there are many of us who just totally don't think about the sad side of adoption, which is why I am so grateful you are bringing it to light.

Seriously, even though I have a nephew and a niece who were adopted, I really never thought too much about this side of things. Sure, I feel terrible for their birth parents and what they are missing out on. And I feel bad that they had to give up their children, but I haven't thought a whole lot about how this will make the kids feel.

Thank you for making me more aware!

Aus said...

Just an observation - and no way to validate my observation....except I'll bet you most all adoptive parents will agree....Have you ever noticed how 'wise' our adopted kids seem to be? Wise beyond their years for sure....

hugs - aus and co.

The Gang's Momma! said...

Poor baby girl - allergies have been out of control here, responsible for all sorts of eye-rubbing, snorting, snoring, and snuffling. My tolerance for all things snotty is running periilously thin.

And I love that she decided to share her movie. What a great tool for her to have control over whether or not to verbally express. I think it's remarkably mature of her to find that line of safety for her but consideration for her friend's questions. Such a wise young woman.


Aunt LoLo said...

A SMART girl, to be sure!!

Michal said...

I would pay vast amounts of money for other people to stop LOOKING at us and then deciding to just "go ahead and ask". I can almost see them work through the stages, I try to get away before they get to the 'resolute nosy" stage- most of the time I am not successful.
Seriously, the other night we were at a show and the guy behind me tapped me on the shoulder and I turned to see his expression and knew that a question was coming....I was so relieved when he asked if I could keep Ev on the right side of my lap! I almost couldn't answer him because I had been working on a snappy 'we are out having fun leave us alone even though yes she is gorgeous and adopted and well just leave us alone" Really, my husband had to sort of answer for me. That moment more than anything else helped me see how invaded I feel. So I can not even begin to process how it must make Ev feel.
I am so glad that T thought of this great solution. It's so good on so many levels. I am glad that she decided to educate her friend instead of avoid her. That sure is one smart cookie you have there.

Debbie said...

Poor little Tongginator. She is wise beyond her years.
Hey, I love the new look around here.

Georgia Peach said...

it's snacktime here...and I have a moment to read but not much left to respond. This post will stick with me for a while today. I linked over to T's top ten list and read through those. In general, having a plan of action does abate anxiety. Good thinking, TM.
Love you guys,

Lisa (Briana's Mom) said...

Yep - the questions. The curiosity. The stares. It happens all the time. Briana just doesn't get it yet.

I wasn't there, but Doug got the "where is she from" question while standing in the elevator in Hilton Head. It is so tough. The people that asked ended up having twin nieces from China, but for the most part, people just ask because they are nosy. Sigh...