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Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Succumbing to Temptation

Y'all I did something yesterday that I totally should NOT have done. I knew I shouldn't even before my passing thought grew to a deep and abiding longing, then an awful, awful reality. Sometimes the temptation is just so, so strong.

Oh, the smell... the sweet smell that I long ago forgot. And the intoxicating feeling that overwhelms me... it wells up in my throat and then slowly spreads down, down, past my heart and into my stomach, where it transforms from sheer bliss to gut-wrenching torture.

I've been so good for so long, avoiding the temptation it presents. Seriously, y'all, I haven't done this for years... YEARS. Because I know that when I do, it creates all kinds of problems for me. First off, I can't stop at just one. I can't move past the sheer bliss I feel in the moment that I do it. I start longing for another one... and another... until I am no longer content with just a few stolen moments. I want to do it again and again and again. It also brings out a nasty side to my personality... I'm no longer the sweet occasionally sweet, lovable tolerable, affable annoying TM that y'all have come to adore know. I become so focused, I can hardly think of anything else.

I shouldn't have done it.

It's so terrible, I can hardly admit to it.

Y'all... I held a baby yesterday... a newborn... and these past 45 months and 11 days have never felt so long.

46 comments:

Polar Bear said...

I hear you!

Yesterday, my aide came into my classroom carrying a six week old baby who came to school for a visit.
D tried to pass the baby to me, but I just couldn't. FIRST and most important I was in a classroom of kids with no place to wash my hands. I sure wouldn't want to touch my baby or any other baby. Secondly, I have had a very hard time lately holding the little ones. It truly does make the heart ache.

Hugs!

Polar Bear said...

Pssst...

I don't think I've every commented first on your blog. I feel like I've won something!!! ;o)

bbmomof2boys said...

You are almost there TM! You guys have been so strong during this wait. I know its hard even with your T but you can do this. You'll hold your sweet little one and some of the pain of the wait will go away.

Heh...I keep looking at the WC lists, hoping, praying that Big T will change his mind. Talk about driving yourself crazy...

Hugs,
Carla

Keating Mom said...

Aww..Hugs, TM!

Buckeroomama said...

The newborn smell does me in every. single. time. I wish I could bottle that...

redmaryjanes said...

Oh that sweet baby smell. Irresistible. Hang in there my friend.

Kristi said...

Oh dear. There is something about the vulnerability of a newborn, isn't there? Praying that you are back in China, adding to your family soon!

happygeek said...

Hugs.

autumnesf said...

Geesh. Talk about a glutton for punishment.

I'm not allowed to hold babies. And we aren't even in a wait. But it strikes the fear of God in hubs heart when he sees me get my hands on a baby. LOL! Then he runs around screaming that he wants to experience empty nest syndrome.

Desiree' said...

bittersweet isn't it?? Everytime I see a baby I think is around Rachel's age I always have to go up and ask the parents, how old, how much does he/she weigh? Are they walking yet and on and on. The parents probably think I am nuts!! If they only knew what it was like to wait and wonder...
You are getting closer, hang in there!!

LaLa said...

Awww.... you are sooo close! I can't wait until you can hold your own baby and not let go : )

Aunt LoLo said...

Oh, mama....hang in there.

If it makes you feel any better, I'll just remind you that once you have your own again, other babies are a nice distraction, but you won't want your own for...oh, YEARS. *grin*

Soon, mama. Soon.....

prechrswife said...

(((((Hugs)))))

Elizabeth Channel said...

Oh, I can imagine how hard that would be. Every day is one day closer, and after having challenges with my own pregnancies and finally having things work out, it's amazing how much you appreciate that little one when you have waited so long.

Still, the waiting is so, so hard!

Hugs to you today!

L said...

Aww, TM... Hugs to you. Waiting is a hard place to be.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

It happens to all of us. There's something biologic that happens to most women when we hold a baby. Seriously. Have you ever seen an older woman with Alzheimer's carrying a baby doll. It doesn't work for men, but for many women, it soothes them.

As for the adoption, I can only offer platitudes. . .You'll get there (you will). . .It will all be worth it (it will). . .Hang in there (you can do it!). . .It can't be long now. . .

Kayce said...

HUGS TM. Many hugs!

Patricia/NYC said...

Oh!! That SWEET, SWEET smell!!!
HUGS to you, my friend, praying it's not much longer for you!!

Georgia Peach said...

Oh dear. Big Hugs to you TM. I'm not allowed to hold babies. We can't have anymore, but my heart doesn't understand that.

The hardest part of being a women is children.
wait. want. carry.
scold. comfort. teach.
first hold tight. then set free. The whole business of mothering is a sweet captivity.

Sorry, tearing up now. Must find chocolate. ;)

Janet said...

Oh dear. I know that feeling. Thankfully, I think God has made it so that I am content right now. Content or realllly busy, so I couldn't possibly want more responsibility. One of those.

Hang in there. I am praying for a speed up.

Mahmee said...

Uh-Oh. Tell me that you didn't look at the cute baby feet too! That gets me every time. I'm not going to say 'hang in there' cuz every time that I heard that over the years, I wanted to scream. The waiting IS the hardest part. Instead I will say go for it all of the way. Why avoid the temptation? Immerse yourself in babyness. Volunteer at the neonatal unit. You can sniff and cuddle them every day until your own home is filled with more baby goodness.
M.

Michal said...

I am sitting here thinking "oh my goodness I'm not the only one?"
I will turn and walk away when there are folks oohhing and awwwing over a pregnant lady or a baby.
I simply can not take it. My heart can not take it.
Now I have a gorgeous daughter that we met in China when she was 10 months old and I have a son waiting for me in China as I type this ( he will be about 20 mos old when I get to him) , so when I get those Baby Blues? I feel a little silly and a little ungrateful. I KNOW that I have been blessed and I would not change it even if I could. But somedays that longing to be able to be pregnant and have this tiny wee thing that is all my own? Well, it just aches and aches.
It used to be all about me. Now I just see these babies and I think of how they are being held and loved and my babies weren't and I wasn't allowed to get to them when they were so little and yet needed so much.
It's basically a hornet's nest of emotions. Those babies. My nephew was born 9 months after we got home with Evelyn. I could never hold him as an infant. Never. It was too sad for me. The funny thing is that my family, who are normally so on top of where I am? They have been known to say things like "God knew what he was doing when he made it so you didn't have to deal with babies. I mean, you never could deal with B when he was a baby!"
If they only knew.
Does it make me a bad person to have those moments of longing for children who can not be when I have such wonderful kids anyway? I often wonder about that.
I have come to the conclusion though that a woman's longing to bear children is deep and profound and not to be underestimated. I have learned that infertility is a lifelong hurt- no matter what.
When I was wating for Ev I was a nurse and when I was having a bad day or string of bad days, My friends in the Nursery would request that I come and rock a crying baby. I still have dreams about that.

Chris said...

I just wish I could come on over and give you a big hug!!!

You have had a l-o-n-g haul....

Please know you are in my thoughts & prayers!!!!

((((hugs)))))

Dawn said...

I can't imagine what the wait must feel like for you so I won't pretend. But, I would give you a great big hug if I were there. It will happen. It WILL!

(((Hugs!!!)))

Jboo said...

Oh my -- baby love -- so hard to resist. Hope your wait is not much longer!!!!

Janet

Lisa said...

Oh gosh...right up until the "newborn" part I totally thought you were going to say a bag of jelly beans!! :)

This is harder...much harder. Your turn MUST be coming up??

Suzie said...

I can totally relate to that!!! I've never waited for anything for so long in my entire life. Since my LID my best friend got pregnant, had a baby and already celebrated her 2nd birthday. As much as I love that kid, it is torture.

Hang in there!

Holly said...

I will not pretend to understand. Our adoption experiences have been less than 9 months. Josiah's was 6 months from start to finish and that's a bit insane.
What I do understand is the longing...I do...though I can't say it compares to your long wait.
I'm really hoping that your daughter is home before this Christmas. I know. Even that seems so far away.
hugs,
Holly

Love Letters To China said...

I know the wait is excruciating... but when you hold your little one in your arms it will disappear instantly. We waited 3 1/2 yrs before we switched to SN and was matched with my little man. We would still be waiting for who knows how long if we didn't switch (LID 8/2006).

I still get a little twinge inside of me when I see a newborn. I guess that will probably never go away. Your day will come, sooner than you expect.

Myrnie said...

Someone thought jelly beans, I totally thought you were talking about cinnabon. I don't even LIKE cinnabon, but the way you were talking... :)

Hugs to you!

Mamatini said...

Oh, TM, I hear you, and I'm not even waiting.

But though we were sure we were done, and our family was complete, I can't be around a baby and not long for another one. That mothering instinct sure is powerful. Thankfully, Ina still lets me nuzzle her cheeks and sniff her neck.

Hugs for your long wait.

Debbie said...

Oh, you sweet woman! I loved this post:)

Dita said...

OH, I know the feeling, TM....just the sight and proximity to one makes me all jelly inside...holding one, well, that's a BIG NO NO for me too!

Stefanie said...

I cannot imagine. How I pray your time comes SOON!!

Kristin said...

I am sorry. I can't imagine all that you've gone through...what an extremely long time to wait. =(

Anne said...

Oh, TM. My heart!

At least tell me you didn't kiss the baby's head ...

Sharie said...

Babies have never done that to me...puppies...puppies are dangerous for me! My sister's have always teased me that I'm weird because I get more excited about puppies than babies.
I actually requested a 1-3 year old when I adopted...HOWEVER I was out at the mall with Amelia when she was about 3 and there was a young Chinese couple with a VERY NEW baby. Looking at that baby...that made me cry! Just thinking about the first 9-months I lost with Amelia and imagining what she was like at that age...I lost it. It really made me happy that I met her when I did - and not when she was 3.
I tried to explain myself to the couple, I think they understood. I pretty much had to run out of the play area and the mall...I still don't dare to look at an Asian baby.

Suzy said...

I always let everyone else hold the new baby first, and then? I will hold the baby until mom asks for her baby back or my arm falls asleep. It's not pretty, but it's true.

Pickel said...

I resisted for so long too but when our neighbor had a little girl born just three days before Gus I had to. You are so close. kisses

Carla said...

simply {HUG}

Cheri said...

Oh friend, big (((HUGS)))!

Patty O. said...

Oh, I don't even know what to say, except I wish the wait were finally over for you!!!!

The Gang's Momma! said...

Ugh. That's a long wait. I'm so sorry.

Recently, Baby BlueEyes confided to me that he loves baby ears. I melted. I, too, love baby ears. And toes. When I told him that, he smiled and confessed that he still likes to look at Li'l E's toes - even though she's "not a baby anymore." Sigh. He kills me. :)

Cavatica said...

Awe. I'm happy for you... I'm sorry.

Special K said...

The 9 mths of my sister's last pregnancy, being there as my niece was born, all the newborn-ness, then infant-ness and now toddler-ness... just aches sometimes as I sit here and wait and wait and wait only 1 day longer than you have. ;)

Plus it throws my head in a tailspin and makes me question whether I made the right decision. Because you see.. I never tried. I didn't choose adoption after infertility. Adoption was my first choice.

But sometimes... those sweet newborn coos, their soft baby skin, the way they smell... makes me question myself. And that's also because of the wait, I'm sure. Once Mia is here.. I know there will be no question.

Soliloquy said...

ME TOO!

We had company this weekend - and they have a PRECIOUS peanut of a little girl. She's 12 months, but only weighs 15 pounds.

I couldn't help but think that's probably how much our Marett-Brooke would weigh at that age, coming from China, and my heart broke a little.

TM, I think maybe it's not going to happen for us anymore.... and my heart breaks a little more.