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Friday, March 19, 2010

How'd They Pick You?

On Tuesday night, while I was braiding her hair after shower time, the Tongginator dropped this conversation bomb on me...

TONGGINATOR: Momma, how come YOU are my Momma and Daddy?

TONGGU MOMMA
: Well, because we adopted you, Tongginator. We were matched with you and then we adopted you.

TONGGINATOR: But... what's matched mean?

TONGGU MOMMA: Well, remember in your lifebook where it says that the CCAA matches children who need families with families who want children?

TONGGINATOR: Umm... what's the CCAA again?

TONGGU MOMMA: Remember in your book where it say the China adoption people: the CCAA?

TONGGINATOR: Oh, yeah! But how how did they know I needed a family?

TONGGU MOMMA: Well, like it says in your lifebook, Director Guo sent them a letter, with lots of important papers, telling them all about you and how you needed a family.

TONGGINATOR: Oh. But how did the China adoption people pick YOU for me?

TONGGU MOMMA: You know, honey bear... I don't know why they picked us. I just know they did.

TONGGINATOR: I think I need to write to them.

TONGGU MOMMA: Who? The CCAA?

TONGGINATOR: Yeah. I wanna ask them why they picked you and Daddy to be my parents. Because I bet THEY know why they picked you. And then I'll put some lines down so they can write their answer. I probably gotta put down, like, ten lines or something. Because probably they'll have to write lots of sentences. You know, to answer my question.

TONGGU MOMMA: You can do that, Tongginator. You can write and ask them if it's important to you. You can even send them a picture and say thank you if you want.

TONGGINATOR: But I don't wanna say thank you. I wanna ask them why they didn't give me a different Mom and Dad. Because I want a different one.

Heh.

I should probably explain about now that the Tongginator? Was in trouble and heading to bed early because she melted down while playing outside before dinner. And a Tongginator meltdown? Typically includes tremendous screaming. And sometimes a teeny bit of physical violence. You know, like hitting another child.

But of course a DIFFERENT Momma would let her get away with that. *wink*

That's my Tongginator... always looking for the best available option.

37 comments:

Lin said...

Oh hilarious, what a little drama queen. It's not unusual for children to want different parents at times, just a bit more poignant when you are an adopted parent. Glad you could see the humour of it ;-)

Aus said...

Wow - there must have been something in the air yesterday - Braelyn had one of those '10 minute long screaming mad think she's being murderd anything you say is answered with a scream punch you in the chest and when it's over doesn't remember what started it' meltdowns yesterday. Thank God she doesn't have them often, but when the switch flips it takes a loooonnnnggg time to reset!

Remind you of PTSS? ;) Or maybe just a little case of spring fever?

And glad you aren't a 'different' momma!

hugs - aus and co.

Mei Mei Journal said...

Lauren and Paige are a little young for that, but I am sure it is coming. After all there have been times my bio kids wish they were adopted...by someone else. :-)

Stefanie said...

That IS hilarious!!
Oh, Tongginator... you have NO idea how good you have it ;)
Isabelle is going through something very similar (if much less well thought out) and is determined that she wants to go back to China.
Ahhh. Kids.

Pug Mama said...

that is some good, honest stuff right there. Very cute. Can't tell you how many times, when grounded, my kids wished for a different mom! 'cause this mama is STRICT!!!!!!

autumnesf said...

Oh Gessssshhhhhh. You're gonna have one of those "I hate You" teens! I live in dread of those. Made it through one, the other is half done...hopefully the youngest won't be one either.

Kim said...

LOL - at least I now know I'm not alone. I keep wondering what Hannah will say as a teenager, but I figure by then I'll probably be in my retirement home and her brothers will have to deal with it :-)

Logical Libby said...

I am constantly reminding myself that adopted children do not corner the market on wishing they had other parents. I remember being a kid and wishing with all my heart (when I was mad) that I had been switched at birth and my real parents were coming to find me.

Aunt LoLo said...

Oh! hahahahahaha....poor thing. How could she have a momma so cruel as to send her to bed early?! ;-)

My kids go to bed early all the time...they just don't know it, 'cause they can't tell time yet.

And for that reason alone, I haven't even started teaching Ming Wai how to read a clock. Heh.

Jean said...

She is welcome to come to my house but I am guessing I have more rules than you do! She would most like quickly head home to her Momma!

Sarah has let us know that we didn't look like the pic we sent her. I, of course sent the best pic we had- after all I didn't want to frighten the little girl! In the end I did frighten her... oh well!

happygeek said...

Oh Poor Miss T.
All she did was share her feelings in a way that seemed best to her at the time:)
You go momma.
Maybe next week she'll want to write a thank-you to CCAA.

Sharie said...

Considering the fact that Amelia's adoption story includes me being handed the wrong child when we met, she knows that it was just luck that our files were on the same desk at the same time.

Our conversation this week was focused on her "real mom" I told her she had 2 real moms because I wasn't a fake mom - she cracked up. It was an interesting conversation...perhaps I'll have time to write about it:)

Cheri said...

I'm LOL because that is something Kera would say, only she say why did God pick you for my Mom?

Oh and Lia told Bob that I was mean the other day! LOL How about those words. I can't believe the words coming out of her little mouth lately. She is doing great even if she thinks I'm mean for washing her eye snot away. ;)

Pickel said...

Ah, AJ had no TV yesterday because he ate all my chocolate (the only thing eric brought me from his 14 day trip to Asia). And, AJ is allergic to chocolate. But, those tantrums are pretty common here. :)

Pickel said...

And tell TG that he doesn't get away with them..

Dawn said...

Adopted kids don't have the corner on that market... they just inflict a whole lot more guilt and hurt with it. My kids have made that wish a time or twenty, too. I've told them that they are free to leave with anything that truly belongs to them, purchased by their own finances. By the time we get through the process of analyzing exactly what they could/couldn't take, it turns into a silly conversation when they realize that they would be leaving NAKED with maybe a few toys in tow. Now that they are teens, I think they just go to their rooms to contemplate how many months, days, hours they have left 'til they can leave for college. LOL

Patty O. said...

"But I don't wanna say thank you. I wanna ask them why they didn't give me a different Mom and Dad. Because I want a different one." I love it! It cracks me up how kids are. Danny almost always wants me around instead of his dad, so you know he is super ticked off at me when he tells me he wants his dad (as he did last week).

Cassi said...

Yeah. I'll have to say adoptees don't have the corner on that market, they just get different avenues to use it.

My twelve year old daughter came up to me last weekend, mad at her dad because he wouldn't let her go ice skating until she cleaned her room, and demanded to know why I had to marry him because he wasn't the father she wanted.

Girls and their drama, always so much fun!

Kristi said...

So glad that you are able to look beyond the moment and realize that while she's annoyed with you at the moment that she doesn't really want a different mom and dad. Pretty clever stuff. If I were you I'd be much more concerned about the plans this kid will be coming up with instead of fear of her not loving you guys.
And with my Ky I'm sure I'll hear some of the same stuff when she really starts to process the role the CCAA played in matching her with us. Because I've heard her say once or twice that she wished my sister (who spoils her like crazy and lets her get away with everything) was her mommy...

Patricia/NYC said...

This post made me laugh...especially the "10 lines"...I would bet that the "wanting a different parent" happens in every single family, all around the globe. We're teetering on that little phrase here too...'cause this momma, who just happened to teach middle school in inner NYC, is waaaaaay strict too! ;)

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

now that it's my turn, my mom tells horrible stories about me manipulating my parents, especially my dad. I'm sure she's making it up, but kids do figure out how to push our buttons. stay strong. and that story is one she'll love when she's grown.

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Vivian M said...

Kerri has asked these same questions, and gotten mad too, saying things like "I wanted to pick my parents".
I am sending you a huge hug, because I remember how hard it was to hear the first time it happened.

Annie said...

I so know that those exact words will probably be coming out of Lizzie's mouth sooner rather than later:):):) I am already, "bad mommie" when I put her in timeout!!! Just the next step up I suppose!! LOL!!

The Drinkwaters said...

Ouch! A new Mom and Dad eh? She's a little smarty pants!

I see that you mentioned her "life book", I liked how it mentioned the CCAA and the SWI Director.

I am working on my daughter's life book right now. I have been reading a couple of books and checking out some websites. I would like to do my best to cover the many questions she will have in a sensitive and appropriate manner. Do you have any recommendations for books or websites?

The Drinkwaters said...

Ouch! A new Mom and Dad eh? She's a little smarty pants!

I see that you mentioned her "life book", I liked how it mentioned the CCAA and the SWI Director.

I am working on my daughter's life book right now. I have been reading a couple of books and checking out some websites. I would like to do my best to cover the many questions she will have in a sensitive and appropriate manner. Do you have any recommendations for books or websites?

Michelle@Gotchababy said...

Oh I laughed at loud when I got to the "I want a different Mommy and Daddy", such at smart cookie you've got! It's good to know that at her age, they are starting to see how a chain of events can lead a person places....would love to see what/if she ends of writing to the parties responsible!! :)

Georgia Peach said...

Oh boy. She's a smart little one. Papple has "pretend parents" that are much nicer than we are.

Also, I want to thank you from the bottom, top, middle and both sides of my heart for discussing the meltdown with tremendous screaming and a teensy bit of other nastiness. That encouraged me because we have a little one at home who is learning to express anger in appropriate ways.

Georgia Peach said...

..."learning to express anger.." which is, of course, code for: she throws terrible tantrums that have struck fear and dismay into the hearts of parents with more compliant-minded children.

Mei Ling said...

"You can do that, Tongginator. You can write and ask them if it's important to you. You can even send them a picture and say thank you if you want."

I just have to mention it's things expressed in this way that give children the subconscious message of how to think and feel regarding their own adoptions.

It's like when I first started writing a letter to my Taiwan mom - my Canada mom telling me to write "thank you."

Appreciation for the life I have had, yes. Respect and appreciation for the heartwrenching situation my mom was put into, yes.

But telling me what to write assumes what I should be feeling and what I "owe" to my Taiwan mom.

It's a bit like saying (and I know I'm exaggerating this) "You can write 'I am so appreciative of the mom and dad who raised me' on your letters. Don't you think that's a good idea?"

There's nothing wrong with being appreciative, of course. There's nothing wrong with telling the bio-family about that.

But the question itself is geared towards what the adoptee should feel "obligated" to say, as in "don't you think."

Eh, I don't know if I expressed this very well.

LucisMomma said...

Oh my! So sorry but I laughed through this one. Every kid says something of this sort, bio or adopted. I wish I had different parents! Surely they would love me better! (i.e., give me what I want)

The Byrd's Nest said...

I love this kid! My favorite posts (no offense) are when it is a conversation with her. She has the greatest mind and I can just see the little wheels spinning and spinning! I laughed out loud when I read that she was saying the word "like"...ha ha! Lottie's new favorite word is "totally". Why do they have to talk like pre-teens so early????? lol

P.S. She adores you:)

Myrnie said...

Precious :) Love the jags that kids' minds get on. (Sometimes.) Posted a video you might like, if you like to see me all dolled up on stage belting out show tunes/arias :)

Cavatica said...

Aren't we all looking for the best available option? BB says she was a panda when she was a little girl - or a mermaid, or a purple cat. The story changes all the time. So, I guess when this comes up I'll tell her that CCAA knew we liked cats, pandas, mermaids, etc. I think we put that in our home study. ???

Michelle said...

Oh that girl, she keeps you on your toes, doesn't she? Such a funny girl, maybe a little too smart for her own good. Oh dear, I hope you are still blogging in 10 years. The teen years should be fun. lol I will be having enough drama around this house of girls, but I would love to learn from your conversations then. :)

Love Letters To China said...

I loved the way you handled all of her questions. I hope when my time comes, I'll be able to find the right words to explain why, when, how. Thanks for sharing!

Dita said...

She's slick, that one....I knew half way through where she was going and I was waiting for you to tell us that she was on a time out or something.

I think she's gonna be a lawyer.......

xoxoxo
Dita