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Monday, February 1, 2010

Why Barefoot Contessa Rocks

subtitled "Everything you didn't want to know when it comes to The Food Network, from an oh-so-discriminating five-year-old."

The Tongginator decided she needed to share her Highly Educated Opinions of The Food Network's regular line-up. Because we spent the past four sick/ snow days parked in front of said channel in order to maintain sanity. In other words, if I had to watch yet another episode of Dora or Diego, I was NOT gonna be responsible for my actions. (And thanks y'all for your well wishes. The Tongginator is back at school today and her Momma - that's me - is on the mend. Tonggu Daddy, however, now has The Dreaded Man Cold.)

Anyways, yesterday the Tongginator decided I needed to blog about her many thoughts in regard to said Food Network. Yes, y'all, she seriously asked me to publish this post. Just so you know. If you are familiar with the many and varied shows on The Food Network, you might find her observations interesting; otherwise... well... hopefully we'll see y'all back here tomorrow.

May I present to you the Tongginator's thoughts about...

ANNE: I like her desserts.

PAULA DEAN: Momma, I think she might be REALLY Southern. Like, more than you Southern. IS she more Southerny than you? Because you always say you're Southern, but you don't sound it. And why does she always say "love and best dishes?" Shouldn't it be "love and best WISHES?"

GUY: I love watching Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives because Guy has spooky hair.

EMERIL: Umm... he's really big. And he says "BAM!" a lot. Like, a lot a lot.

TYLER: He has a cool kitchen because all his pots and pans hang down from the ceiling. And they're shiny. Ours aren't shiny.

SUNNY: Oh, man! Sunny is on all! the! time! Is she ever NOT on?

CLAIRE ROBINSON
: I like her because she cooks with five ingredients or less. And so I could probably do the recipes myself. Because I don't need your help, Momma.

WORST COOKS OF AMERICA: That show is funny. I like to laugh when they do all the tests.

RACHEL RAY: She likes to talk loud.

GIADA: She has pretty clothes and pretty hair. I like her.

SANDRA LEE: Momma, you always say she's not a real cook. But she is too a real cook! She wouldn't be on TV if she wasn't a real cook. You're not being very nice when you say that.

MARCELLA: Ooohhh... she wears pretty earrings all the time. I like her earrings.

THE NEELYS: I don't like them that much cuz they always say "honey" and "baby" and stuff like that too each other. I mean, it's okay sometimes, but they do it way too much. It's weird.

BAREFOOT CONTESSA: I like her lots and lots because she always says "I'm gonna add some sugar to give it a bit more flavor." And I like sugar.

So there you have it. The thoughts and opinions of a self-proclaimed future Food Network star. Save this post so that you can say you knew her when. And if you're not sure how you'll be able to tell it's her, just be on the look out - twenty years from now - for a cute (if she does say so herself) Chinese-American gal who wears sparkly jewelry and pretty clothes, and adds sugar to everything to give it a bit more flavor.

35 comments:

Doug and Terrye said...

Awesome! She needs a job at Food and Wine magazine as the food critic/evaluator. And don't worry, my pots aren't shiny anymore either ;)

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I loved this post....{of course you knew I would}...Her observations were pretty darn true!

Glad to hear you and The Tongginator are on the mend.......hope the man cold goes away quickly!!

Have a great week!

autumnesf said...

But what I really want to know is what she thinks of Man Vs. Food...even though it is the travel channel instead of food network.

Beach Mama said...

I hope she does have her bown cooking show, but why wait 20 years? I'd say go for it now. She has the wardrobe! She has the know how (less than 5 ingredients), and I dare say sugar does make things taste better! I also agree with her assessments of the shows. Godzilla wants to have his own show "Boy vs. Food" so he can eat 2-foot donuts and the largest cinnamon bun in the world. Maybe she can cook for him (as long as she uses sugar, and lots of it)!

bbmomof2boys said...

First - oh no the man cold!!! So so sorry TM!! You might have kept your sanity while T was sick but I'm afraid you'll lose it now. Praying for you!

ok - to T's list! One in particular - Giada - that is my dh's "Italian sweetie". He likes her clothes, in particular her shirts..heh. He actually tapes her and has tried several of her dishes...

Hugs,
Carla

Elouise82 said...

I don't watch the Food Network (I know, *gasp* horror!), but I recognized a few of these names, and found the Tongginator's comments quite pithy. For example - does anyone really know anything about Emeril except that he's loud and says "Bam" a lot? I don't know a thing about his cooking, but I know that! And that Paula Dean is REALLY southern - never tried any of her dishes, but I could tell you that she is extremely Southern! ...and so on.

Good luck with the Dreaded Man Cold. I leave you with words of wisdom from Rachel Lynde on a long-ago Road to Avonlea, that I have never forgotten: "When it comes to illness, men are bigger babies than babies."

happygeek said...

I notice she didn't say anything about Gordon:)

jen@odbt said...

Love her take on the chefs. Funny what kids pick up on.

Magi said...

Very astute! I'd say she nailed them all. We watch a lot of Food Network around here, too. It's nice to be able to have something on, other than the aforementioned Dora & Diego, where I don't have to rush for the remote because body parts started flying. Maybe I should clarify that to human body parts?

Anne said...

I'm with Beach Mama -- T should pitch a kids' cooking show to the network. Kinda like the cooking with maurice or whatever that kid's name is on Noggin.

LucisMomma said...

I love her comments. And she and Luci will be hard to tell apart when they are grown--cute, the jewelry, adding sugar....

Myrnie said...

What a sweetie :) Glad you're feeling better!

Love Letters To China said...

She is right on the money! I agree with all of her observations. So glad she's feeling better along with yourself. I feel for you when it comes to the hubby being sick. Mine has been sick for the past few days and I'm so happy he's back to work today... not that I don't love him and all. ;-)

Cheri said...

I'm laughing because all of her comments are so true! My oldest daughter LOVES the Food Network so we watch it here as well.

Glad your feeling better and I hope your hubby is feel well soon.

Patricia/NYC said...

HILARIOUS!!! I loved this post because Miss Kiara LOVES watching the Food Network & when I cook we must ALWAYS pretend we are on a cooking show & she is the "guest" chef (& let me tell ya, she DEMANDS that pretend audience applauds for her!)

Kiara loves the Neely's...she now announces at dinnertime..."Down Home with the ______ (insert OUR last name here)....ahhh...these girls are total crackups!!
Boy, would I love to get T & K together!!

Super Mommy said...

Oh she's a hoot...just a tad bit opionionated, eh? LOL I do agree with her assessements however! What kind of cook is she going to be?

Glad Tongginator is well enough to go back to school...now what about the "man cold" - I seriously laughed out loud at that! Is he in bed now for four days?? ;0)

Kim said...

To funny!! Now I'm off to polish my pans, hang them from the ceiling and change my clothes into something pretty with earrings, of course. Maybe then my family will think I'm a good cook. Oh and add some sugar :-)

Jboo said...

So funny! I agree with her totally! And she's right Sandra Lee is a real cook! :)

Janet

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

ooh, I think Kady would totally love to help with this show. We don't get the food network, but she did some serious bossing around when we were making playdoh cookies on Friday. She's quite a perfectionist. Come to think of it, Kady is definitely more of a "need my own show" kinda gal. . .I guess we have the next generation of Food Network stars. . .(and from what I've seen of Sandra Lee, she's my kind of cook. . .)

Denise said...

This post is so funny! All I would have to add about Paula Dean is her obsession with butter and the Sandra Lee is way to obsessed with color coordination!! My Mom and I have fun calling eachother making fun of her colorful kitchen ware...I mean really, it is too much!

Patty O. said...

OK, this is hysterical and I don't even get the Food Network, so I don't know a lot of these people. Still, so funny! I especially love "is she more southerny than you?"

Cute!

Andrea said...

Our favorites from the Food Network are Ace of Cakes and the cake challenges. Glad you are better!

thegypsymama said...

Now there's a show I'd tune in to see!

Laura L. said...

This is pretty funny to read what her thoughts are on all of these cooks. I agree with her about the Neelys. They're a bit to cozy and it's distracting (annoying).
Thank goodness for the Food Network. Too much Dora or Diego could just about do me in too. ;)

prechrswife said...

Love her take on things! Glad you are better, and here's to hoping the man-cold doesn't last very long.

She Writes said...

Gotta love a girl who loves her some sugar!

Annie said...

Too cute! I don't watch the food network but definitely love the Tonninator's opinions!! That girl rocks, I tell ya! Oh and I know all about those "man colds" they are soooooo scary!!!!! LOL!!

Sharie said...

Love it and I've never watched a moment of the Food Network in my life.
The way Little T speaks reminds me SO much of Amelia...I can picture her laying in bed dictating to you what to write:)

Mahmee said...

I'm with 'autumnesf', I'd like to hear her critique of Man Vs. Food...could be pretty amusing.
Glad you are on the mend.
M.

Wanda said...

Wow, she is just so astute. Great post!

Hope you all continue to mend. Man cold (that's funny, sorry)and all.

Colin and Jill Canada said...

Gosh she's cute AND VERY smart. Just like you Momma!

Some day (soon) I'll be reading her blog!

Jill

Marla said...

Haha! Love it. TFN is a fave among the 4 J's too. And I have to say I agree with her assessments of the shows!!!

Alyson & Ford said...

We have the Food channel on whenever we need a break from Martha speaks, Sid the Science kid and Manny the tool man (actually these aren't too bad to watch.... oh.. did I say that?). I shall not mention what I think of Barney!!
She needs to write her book until she can be a reporter!
Glad you are all on the mend. We have had colds over the past weekend and are just shaking them off today.

Alyzabeth's Mommy

Janet said...

I have never seen the food network. We just have the cheap package.....:-)

But I liked her comment about the earrings. Tee hee. SHe's SUCH a girl!

Aunt LoLo said...

Awwww.....that was adorable!

And I hate to say it, but she's WAY more up to date on TV than me. I just don't watch it during the day anymore! At night, Lo Gung and I watch something from the DVR together...but with all the INCESSANT TALKING from the 1 and 3 year old...trying to pay attention to one. more. voice is just a headache. ;-)