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Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Crazy Christmas Gifts

in which y'all will discover where I inherited my wacked out sense of humor

If my sister's reassignment of the dog's stocking to her almost-two-year-old wasn't enough to clue you in to our family's odd mix of humor and practicality, I thought I would share with y'all some of the wackier gifts my family exchanged last week. We truly try to keep Christmas small in size, but large in love and humor.

Case in point... my eighty-three-year-old grandpa received Strict Instructions from his doctor this year: he is only allowed one drink of whiskey each day. This poses a bit of a problem, seeing as how my grandpa truly loves his whiskey, so my daddy The Colonel took it upon himself to solve said problem. He purchased a special You Can Enjoy Your Whiskey And Still Follow The Doctor's Orders Glass for my grandpa.

Now THAT is a drink, wouldn't you say? Not that I can enjoy it.

Somehow I don't think the doctor will feel pleased.

Then there was the viciously evil Tonggu Grammy. Y'all tried to warn me after I posted about my super-secret snowman collection, but - alas! - I mistakenly placed my trust in my momma, one of the very! few! relatives! who actually reads Our Little Tongginator. On Christmas Eve, Tonggu Grammy bombarded me with snowmen. Oh, yes, she did. To make it even worse, she pilfered her OWN snowman collection to do so.

do y'all notice her gloating smugly in the background?!?!?!!

Fortunately, the vast majority of her former students possess good taste... or at least their parents do. Because all of these snowmen? Were teacher gifts. As this one clearly shows.

is it an ornament? a pot holder? a cat toy?
I don't think we'll EVER figure it out.

And lest y'all think you can defend Tonggu Grammy, I'd first like to point out that she didn't even pretend to show a bit of class. Because my "gift?" Arrived looking like this:

she didn't even WRAP it, y'all ... now seriously - who DOES that?!!

I just might have to change the blog address in order to avoid any and all future Snowmen-Like Incidents. I feel forever disillusioned and don't know if I will EVER recover.

Then, of course, there was the present a relative-who-shall-remain-anonymous (but only because I've forgotten who it was) gifted to my Aunt P, whom I've (in all seriousness) dubbed Maryland's version of Martha Stewart. Y'all, I don't know that my aunt's frozen smile will EVER come unstuck.

the ONE thing I forbid the husband from gifting me

All I can say is... at least it wasn't The Slanket. Because THAT? Would have been tacky.

And lest y'all think everyone in our family embraces the nonsense, I thought I'd share how the Tongginator feels about our warped senses of humor.

why, oh why, dear God, did I get STUCK with THIS family?

Now I'd truly, TRULY love to hear some of the wacky presents y'all received or bestowed at Christmastimes, past and present. Because I know you will keep us all laughing long after I could.


Aus said...

Present stories for another day - today is a longish travel day - but had to say I loved your stories - and gifts - and that snowmen RULE!!

hugs - aus and co.

autumnesf said...

First, your grandpa looks so much like my dad! All the way down to the whiskey!

Crazy gift this year?

The Slap-Chopper.

And when I opened it and looked at my husband..... We said in tandem...that famous line in front of the girls! Yep, Making America skinny one slap at a time!!!! (Okay, that's not the line)

How my husbands fascination with this tool equated to my Christmas gift I still haven't figured out.

And yes, he's used it several times already. (And he makes a mean omelet.)

happygeek said...

Hey TG, I think your daughter is rather ungrateful for her snowmen. You should send them to someone who would truly appreciate them. Like a Canadian geek perhaps. Especially the snowman on the right.

As for weird-o gifts, my sister-in-law keeps me well stocked in the unusual. Over the years I have received pepper spray (totally illegal) a breast self-examination kit,(that she was trying to market) dryer balls and some truly, truly ugly decorative bees.

And yet she made my brother in law return the blender he got as blenders aren't GIFTS, they are appliances.

Uh huh.

Chris said...

Too funny!

We have actually banned the 'Snuggie' in our household!!!

jen@odbt said...

I love the first picture - hey the doc didn't say what size the glass had to be.

Tammie T. said...

What a fun family! We have talked about moving away from the regular gift exchange with adults and having a "White Elephant" exchange. Much more fun! My most interesting gift was from a former student. He was a very challenging little guy, his gift makes me smile every Christmas. He gave me an ornament that said, "New Father's First Christmas." Yep! It sure gave the teachers a good laugh in the lounge! I bet he picked it out all by himself! :)

Andrea said...

My hubby's grandma is famous for her wacky gifts. In the past, I have received a hideous Christmas patterned oven mit set with a bracelet that looked like a pony tail holder that had a recycle sympbol on it. She loves AVON. One year, she got our middle son a lamp. I'm sure every 7 year old wants a lamp! The only wacky gift this year was for our 13 year old - an OSU paper weight!

planetnomad said...

That glass reminds me of my FIL. The doctor told him he needed to walk 30 minutes a day so he calculated how long it took him to walk to the fridge to get a Coke, and walk back to the easy chair. It was just over a minute, so he faithfully walked to get his own Cokes from then on! Ha.

As for funniest gifts ever, I'll have to go back to Mauritania, a country that is 100% Muslim. One year our English center had a party. One young woman brought a gift for her teacher, a 50 y/o man, and his wife. For him, a briefcase. For his wife (whom she'd never met), a teeny-tiny pink bra-and-pantie set! Fortunately she was gone when he opened it, as all of us were literally on the floor, laughing so hard.

Elouise82 said...

The best wacky gift in our family was the Fruitcake That Wouldn't Die. It was originally a gag gift from one of my uncles to my sister, who then revenged herself by giving the same fruitcake back to him next year ... and so on. I'm not sure when it eventually faded away into the background.

My dad's family loves joke gifts--there was the year they put a broken lightbulb in a metal band-aid tin and wrapped it up for one of the siblings who could never keep from shaking his presents. So when he shook it, he thought he had broken his present.

That Snuggie, though ... that's the best. Please, please tell me it was one of the ones they market as "more stylish"--you know, the leopard print or zebra stripe?

Football & Fried Rice said...

Laughing. My you know what off. Your Mom is a hoot and that GLASS????? Heh. I am only supposed to have one diet mountain dew a day and I get like a 2 liter. Hey, it's only one.


The Source said...

LOVE the humongous glass! I'd like to take that on our next trip to Tortola...it's just the right size for Painkillers!

Odd gifts? My sister got a Smurfette doll last year and Darling Daughter ended up with a bottle of Bailey's. One time DD got a hairbrush! This year the Oldest got the prize for biggest hunk of nonsense. I'll post a pic of it this week. Words cannot describe.

The Source said...

Oh! And Darling Daughter got a human-teenager-sized Christmas stocking/blanket. She literally gets down inside it. It has little holes in the bottow in case you want to stick your feet out and walk around.

Rachel@just another day in paradise said...

we do a gag gift for the in-laws' Christmas. this year's winners (term used loosely) included a mouse pad with butt cheeks (can I say that here?) attached, a cheerleader cd (with money included), a deer on its back wine bottle holder (which hubs brought home. . .), astronaut food, a singing santa hat, a singing pig and a redneck fishing pole lighter (which I oh-so-proudly carried home). . . It's kinda scary to open presents there.

Debz said...

I have a couple that I wouldn't dare repeat heaven forbid they ever got linked back somehow to the person who gave them to me but one I can tell is about a friend of mine who's taste is "polar opposite" to mine....she loves Victorian pearly stuff and I like Primitive art....I swear she gives it to me while jumping up and down with glee when I'm opening it shouting before I can even see what it is..."""Don'tcha love it!!! I loved it soooo much I knew you would too!!!"""....doesn't give me much room but to widen my eyes with my lips pursed together in a fake grin and nod my head now does it?...I also had a roommate one time who after moving in with me came into the house with a puppy!!!...It chewed a number of things I treasured....one thing being a set of cousions my mom got me...guess what she gave me as a "Gift" that Christmas?...I still fume over that! LOL...Ok I guess it's time to forgive....
Do you think if I kept the Victorian pearly stuff for a few years and gifted them back to my other friend she would ever know? ;O)

Michelle said...

No, I think T is saying, "How, oh how, did I get blessed with this FUN family?!?" :)

Asianmommy said...

Haha! I went to a White Elephant party and came home with a Snuggie. :)

Patricia/NYC said...

OK...lemme just say, as I was reading your post (to myself), Kiara was on my lap...when we got to the photo of the "snowman ornament, cat toy, etc."...(you know the one, the one where you said you may never know what it is) Kiara said: "Ooooooh!!! How CUTE!!! I love that toy, momma!"

Crazy gift this year? Hmmmm...it's a very long story, one that I may not ever share, but let's just say: does "nothing" count?? lol! Ahhhh...don't ask...

OziMum said...

LOL!!! I love the caption for that last pic!!!

I thought the "mystery" snowman was an ornament? Maybe you're meant to stick a safety pin in the back and wear it as a brooche?!!

Sharie said...

This year my sister started dating again after 14 years of just being mom...well our mother gave her a HUGE hurricaine candle holder with one white candle in the middle. It had a sticky note on it that said, "Now that you are in a relationship I thought you could use this." All I can say is her new boyfriend's reaction to the gift won me over! We laughed SO SO hard...I'm not quite certain what mom meant but it was a great ice breaker!

Another great one was at a White Elephant exchange at work (all women) our 80-year-old admin got the fake rubber boobs you put in your bra to fill it out. She was SO excited - she couldn't wait to re-gift them at her familiy's White Elephant exchange. I can only imagine the look on her kids and grandkids faces:)

LucisMomma said...

That last picture, of Tongginator, made me laugh out loud. Which made my Bouyei Baby come see what was so funny. She laughed, too, what a precious sight. (I'm the mom who, when my folks saw DD for the first time, put a baby bib on my DD that said, "THESE people are my relatives??")

My mom would've wrapped the snowman up properly, BUT she would've left the price tag on it!!

Suzy said...

Last year my SIL brought me her new Labrador puppy so I could do his toenails. I am still in awe of the honor bestowed upon me...How could she improve upon that?