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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Only Pretend to be ___ on my Blog

This post is part of a Q&A series. Check it out here.

Stefanie asked, "How did you get so stinkin' funny? And so stinkin' SMART? Were you a geek in high school? What'd you get on your SAT's? (You said we could ask anything!)"

Gee, Stefanie, way to take me at my word. Actually, I'm not all that funny in real life. Because, ya know, I THINK these things, but I'm not brave enough to actually SAY them. Anonymity in the blogging world feels quite liberating. I'm also pretty dry, so lots of things that I find hysterically funny sail right over people's heads. Well... I tell myself that, but perhaps it's just that said comments were never actually funny in the first place. And maybe even possibly offensive.

Like my But(t) Award.

As for smarts, I would be remiss if I failed to acknowledge my hideous incompetence with all things number related. I achieved the stellar grades of Cs and Ds throughout high school algebra. And college calculus.

sixth grade, MAT6 state testing... my math
scores totally went downhill from here

Having said that... yes, I was a Total Geek in high school. Immensely unlikable and highly annoying. I graduated in the top 10% of my high school... a high school that was ranked as one of the top five in the country at the time. And now? That same high school sports metal detectors. Sigh. I later graduated magna cum laude from my university in less than four years. So yeah - total nerd. I remember, during one of my rare forays to a bar during college, a guy from one of my classes rolled his eyes when he saw me and said to a friend, "that girl needs to SHUT UP in class."

Oh, to be so admired and liked.

As for the SATs... I seriously cannot remember. I remember feeling really, really irked that I didn't break 1200. Curse that math section! I called my momma yesterday and she can't remember either. But the husband told me that he thinks it was 1160... because he got an 1120 and remembers feeling quite annoyed when he learned I earned a higher score.

planet nomad asked, "WHY can I remember stuff like the name of my Grade 4 teacher or how embarrassed I was at Lori Beitzel's fart jokes, but I can't remember French conjugation or the Arabic alphabet? I need the latter knowledge now; I would happily forget Lori and Mrs Boender. WHY???? Please answer. I often feel quite desperate. Oh... one more: What's the capital of North Dakota?"

First, the easy one. The capital of North Dakota does not actually exist. Because the state of North Dakota does not actually exist. I know this for fact because I have yet to meet someone who actually lives in North Dakota. Maps showing the state of North Dakota point to a massive government conspiracy, attempting to convince you that South Dakota is not our border with Canada. However, if North Dakota actually DID exist, its capital would be Bismark.

As for your other, more complicated question, with my limited knowledge of the situation, I believe it's because Laurie Beitzel's farts (because - seriously - those who joke about 'em rip 'em) acted as a poison gas inside your cerebrum, causing untold damage to your French conjugation and Arabic language lobe. I say we find Laurie Beitzel and employ the same torture to her... namely the bedroom covers cover attack.

That should teach her. Or not.

Colleen wondered "so were you the class clown or the teacher's pet?"

I don't know how to answer that. The husband and I talked about this one quite a bit. He insists that I share two specific stories, then allow you to make up your own mind. Unfortunately, these stories make me sound like a Complete Snot, so please be kind.

And know that I've moved on from that phase of my life.

By the time high school hit, I was seriously sick of being in school. As a perpetual new student, I read Macbeth four times in five years. When senior English rolled around and my teacher announced that our next assignment involved Macbeth, I broke into hysterical laughter. I explained to him that I'd read that play in class every year for the past four years (three times for English, once for drama class), but he rolled his eyes and obviously didn't believe me. Grr...

Note to Others: Don't roll your eyes at Tonggu Momma.

Then he insulted me by explaining that I didn't know Macbeth quite as well as I thought... and so I began reciting - rapidly, with no emotion - all of the major Macbeth soliloquies from memory. I didn't stop until I completed all seven. SEVEN, y'all, while the rest of the class laughed at him. Five minutes later, he handed me a permanent pass to the library. I spent the rest of the year in the library during fifth period, researching papers on my own and handing them in for credit.

Then there was junior year Latin class. This one guy gave me a hard time all day, every day. We had three classes together. Finally, sometime in the spring, I just broke. I stood up, ready to cross the room and get in his face. My teacher yelled at me to sit down. I responded, "I've spent all year listening to trash spew out of his mouth. You've never put a stop to it. I'm done. I'm stopping it myself." My teacher said, "Sure. But you can't get out of your chair to do it."

So I sat down.

Then I took off my shoe, throwing it at Obnoxious Guy.

And it hit him in the nose.

Strangely enough, I didn't get in trouble for that. I believe my teacher was too busy laughing.

Kerry asked, "All - and I mean all - of your posts are so engaging and humorous. How do you do it? Where does all the energy come from? Any good secrets? Vitamin water, caffeine - I'll try anything."

Why, thank you, Kerry. You are too, too kind. (Note to all: I totally paid Kerry to say that.) The energy comes from ingesting copious amounts of caffeine. (Complete Truth.) Oh, and I ignore my daughter. (Not really, although possibly sometimes.)

Kidding. I'm kidding, y'all. Even if I wanted to, the Tongginator wouldn't allow me to ignore her.

My best advice about writing a blog post is to keep it simple. Pick one moment in time or one thought, then expand on that. Seriously, if all I ever did was write about my day... ALL of my day... y'all would be yawning before I could make my point.

But that of course assumes that I have a point to make. Which I usually don't.

Follow a few simple rules as well. Break it into small paragraphs. Post photos. Break it into small paragraphs. Post photos. Break it into small paragraphs. Post photos. Got that?

I also don't write every day. I write when I find the time, then schedule them to post throughout the week. That takes away the pressure of scrounging up content. It also helps me remember to LIVE life, instead of just blogging about it.


redmaryjanes said...

You truly are hilarious. I was awful in math too. Who needs math anyway? We're too pretty to do math (my Aunt has that magnet on her fridge).

Kate said...

This has been VERY enlightening...and enjoyable to beat the band TM. I have been reading from the sidelines...and if I had the time, I would pen a lengthy response letting you know how VERY much we seem to have in common (especially the husbands although my story does not contain another woman...but juicy none the less...all having NOTHING to do with me...that's clear, right??)...

Not a fan of the math myself...and it TOTALLY dragged down my SATs!!!

It seems many people don't "get" my dry sense of humor either...we ARE funny, aren't we??? Just a note here...if you are ever at the pediatricians with a very sick girl and you have to see an alternate doctor and he asks YOU what you think your child "has"...DON'T and I reapeat DON'T make a smarmy comment about how you might know if aonly you hadn't flunked our of medical school freshman year...because he probably won't get it and will just look at you like you have three eyes...and no intelligence. I'm just trying to give you the heads up here TM...because I like you. I really like you.

And I so adore your take on life. I'm a real fan. :-)

OH MY #6 said...

I always wanted to be a nerd! So I am a wanna be nerd. I am married to a nerd with lots of personality.


Beck said...

This was so funny. My favorite was the bar story. HAHAHAH!

Stefanie said...

You ROCK!! I can't believe you answered all my nosy nellie questions... and honestly, I am relieved that you didn't score a perfect 1600. Whew!

happygeek said...

All 7 soliloquies?
Wow. I've taught it 3 times and couldn't give you one soliloquy.

The shoe thing?
That cracked me up. Did it finally shut him up?

Rebecca Ramsey said...

You're a shoe thrower!
Before it was the thing to do!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

This is my favorite post of yours yet!

Aunt LoLo said...

That's hilarious...but the jury is still out on the whole nerd thing.

It reminds me of a song from the musical Into The Woods...the witch sings it. "You're so nice...you're not good, you're not bad, you're just nice! I'm not good, I'm not nice, I'm just right!" That's my favorite line. I think that's why you didn't get in trouble for beaning that guy with the shoe!You were just RIGHT!

McEwens said...

It amazes me that you even have your scores from back then! WOW!! Great post as always!

China Mom said...

North Dakota DOES exist. I've been there. My sister (who you remind me of - has the same dry sense of humor) married a farmer from ND. She says it is not the edge of the world, but you can see it from there.
Vonna in Kansas

Georgia Peach said...

Good post TM - I'm still snickering.

Since I know TM in real life, I am exercising fierce restraing by not adding a "bystander's perspective" to some of these questions.

I laughed out loud at the confession that you threw your shoe at a guy in Latin class. Hilarious!! I'm also wondering how you spent time with Big Apple and never threw a shoe at him.

Andrea said...

Love the shoe story! Thanks for the advice on writing the blog.

Kim said...

You are to FUNNY!! I love the story about Macbeth and the shoe throwing! I laughed right out loud!

Thanks for enlighting my morning!

Anonymous said...

I am THOROUGHLY enjoying this series! You've had me cracking up more than once this morning!

Debbie said...

How in the world do you still have test scores from your school days? And are able to find them and post them?

Jennifer said...

You do realize that someday Laurie Bietzel is going to Google herself, only to find some 4th grade toot forever immortalized among strangers, right?

And thanks for the reminder about small paragraphs... I'd read a lot more blogs if people did that! I don't have the attention span for a long paragrapgh.

Becky said...

I love math. All math. Except Calculus, which isn't really math. More like hell in a textbook.

Oddly enough, my lowest scores in school were English/writing.

Heather of the EO said...

Wait...you LIVE? That is a GREAT idea. :)

And I totally stunk at math/algebra too. Ryan likes to say that all he has to do to is say a number and that will shut me up.

He's right.

Five. My brain just shut off.

Patty O. said...

OK, I totally loved those stories about high school, especially hitting the bully with your shoe. Way to go! Way to show the teacher AND the bully, because you were right--the teacher should have done something long ago! And I love the Macbeth story. You crack me up.

Quirky Mom said...

My mother swears that ND and several other nearby states don't exist. And now I've found someone who agrees!!! LOL!

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

We so totally would have been friends in high school!

prechrswife said...

LOL at the Macbeth and shoe stories! Those are priceless! As for ND and its existence, I do know of a couple of other Tonggu parents that actually work in that state, although they live across the state line. Hmmm...

Tonggu Grammy said...

This is almost my favorite post 'cause it REALLY does capture who you are in real life. Did you think about the Ursula the Sea Witch story from high school?

TM has all these wonderful photos and test scores and report cards because Tonggu Grammy saved them for her. Who knew when she might need them? Need I say more?

Sharon said...

Boy, am I glad you started blogging!!!

Sharie said...

I had a guy in my World History class that would TOTALLY harass me. It was the days of tight leggings and big bulky sweaters. He'd run his hands up legs just being a total geek - making more fun of me than hitting on me. I was a total nerd too. My teacher actually humiliated him for me. I loved her for it! When she died a couple years ago I was so sad! As for the guy - he owns a restaurant in town and treats his employees like garabage...big surprise. Unfortunately it's doing well.

discombobulated said...

I think the entire contents of this post was ALL new to me. Glad to keep learning about you.

Elizabeth Channel said...

Honestly, I just marked "c" on all the math questions on the SAT, ACT and GRE. It worked out OK with my verbal score.

Debz said...

That is one of the best posts yet.
Your a tool! LOL

Ursula the Sea Witch story from high school? Spill it sista!

Michelle said...

Oh my, I was totally cracking up at your response to planet nomad. Seriously girl, you are hilarious. I loved hearing your high school stories, too, Miss Braniac.

And BTW, I just love your mom!! I say the apple didn't fall far from the tree. She is so funny, too!

Rachel said...

Actually, if North Dakota existed, the capital would be BismarCk.

I think that stupid, unnecessary C is part of the government conspiracy. At least, that's what I told myself when that stupid, unnecessary C was the reason I didn't get a 100 on the states and capitals test in 5th grade.

Colleen said...

LOL so you have good aim LOL Thanks for the answer to my question. You are hilarious!!!! I promise never to roll my eyes at you if you promise to never tailgate me....: )

Myrnie said...

Too funny! (And thanks to Aunt Lolo I spent my afternoon singing the witch's song...made my baby chuckle, at any rate.)

Oh, ND does SO exist. It has to- 98% of the time when my husband says where he's from, it goes like this:

"I grew up in South Dakota."

"umm....where's that?"

"You know where North Dakota is?


"It's just underneath."

No joke! It's so sad :)

The Wade's said...

I love your Q & A. You are hilarious. The story about the guy in your Latin class had me laughing out loud.

You are great. Really. Just great!

CC said...

I agree with your mom. This is one of my very favorite posts. Not only b/c it shows how similiar we are (scores, grades, geekiness), but also b/c she had the gall and courage to do what I never dared to do as a teen (LAUGH at the teacher and totally show him up, throw a shoe at a peer, etc). Now that said, my friend and I used to repeatedly throw our pencils out the open window in HS calculus class. Then I'd raise my hand and say "Excuse me, Mr. B, my pencil somehow landed outside. Can I go get it?") I'd disappear for a few minutes. Then come back and do it all over again.

But never fear. I still aced the class.

At least I never did what Professor X would do in college.... show up for the last 10 minutes of class b/c he figured the first 80 minutes were all fluff and not that important. ;)

I am happy to report I had a MUCH higher GPA than him in college. Even if his IQ score is about 20 points higher than mine.