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Monday, November 3, 2008

In Which I Narrowly Avoided Introducing Sarah Palin, Wall-E and one of the Wiggles to The Bird

I always try to avoid controversy. I may hold Very Definite Views about certain topics, but I strive to keep my mouth shut and my person unobtrusive... not because I'm all that nice or anything, but because no one likes a know-it-all.

And people pretty much dislike no-it-alls, too, for that matter

I narrowly avoided offending many this past Friday. My downward spiral began at exactly 4:43 PM. I stood in front of the kitchen sink grudgingly cheerfully washing dishes while the Tongginator and our back-door neighbor JC played happily on our front porch. I must admit that - at that moment in time - I cared not what they were about... mostly because I feared my slim grip on reality might slip through my fingers if I heard even one more utterance of "but WHEN can we go trick-or-treating, Momma?"

So instead I zoned in front of my Lemon Joy scented bubbles, running through my mind all of the last-minute things I needed to accomplish before our Big Candy Night On The Town. And then I heard a loud noise... a very loud noise, y'all.

Followed by a gasp.

I went tearing through the kitchen until I saw the Tongginator and JC, unharmed, staring down at our porch, just a foot away from our front door. My eyes followed their line of sight. And then everything but my thoughts froze.

What will the neighbors think?
How can I fix this?
How much time do I have?
And WHERE is my husband?

I paused to navigate a very difficult question-and-answer session before I ushered the Tongginator and JC to the backyard, promising all manner of good things if they avoided the front porch for awhile. And then I paced.

WHERE ON EARTH WAS MY HUSBAND?

I looked wildly around outside, seeing the darkening sky, the families gathering for costume pictures in their front yards, the pumpkins lit on front porches. And then I looked down at my front porch and winced.

I expected glittery princesses and fake-blood-encrusted villians to appear in less than thirty minutes, bags outstretched, faces beaming, adorable voices asking for sweet treats. And instead they would find this.

I couldn't deal with it. I called down to the husband and told him to get his act together. I needed him IMMEDIATELY. He assured me he would be there as soon as possible, but he was on a very important work call and didn't have time to chat.

So I paced. I also called down to him twice more in less than 15 minutes.

He finally came bounding up the stairs, expecting a crisis of epic proportions. (Which it totally was.) I showed him the front porch, expecting complete understanding and possibly even a few poor Tonggu Mommas thrown in as well. But instead what I got was, "that's all? I thought this was an emergency!" And then he retrieved our shovel.

Because that loud noise I heard, y'all? It was the sound you hear when a young robin crashes into one's storm door. And the poor little fellow didn't make it. He died just two feet from the saucer-sized eyes of JC and the Tongginator.

And then, bless his little avian heart, he lay dead center just one foot from my front door. I kept imagining a four-year-old Butterfly Fairy Princess walking up to our house, expecting a Snickers bar, but instead getting an eyeful of deceased feathered friend.

Thankfully Robin the Bird received a quick, yet appropriate burial before the first of our trick-or treaters arrived. And I narrowly missed introducing a thirteen-year-old Sarah Palin, an eight-year-old Wall-E and a pre-school sized Wiggle to The Bird.

Now can you please tell my husband that this DID count as an emergency?

36 comments:

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I would say that counts as an emergency!! Poor little bird....we had one fly into our back door and that is a noise I will never forget....OUCH!!

The kids must have been a little shocked to say the least.....I am sure it made for a trick or treat those two will never forget!

Briana's Mom said...

That definitely was a crisis of epic proportions. I wouldn't have been able to move that poor little bird either. Hubby's assistance would have been needed to remove it. You don't want to scar little children for life! :)

happygeek said...

The title kills me.
Kills me.

I must confess though, I'm a bit of a prairie girl (red-neck). My thought was, "why didn't she get the bird herself?"
I finally got it.
Next time just call me. I'd totally get it for you.

prechrswife said...

The title is hilarious! Thanks for starting my morning off with a laugh. In fact, I had to call Chet in to read this one. :-) (He got a laugh out of it, too.)

Dawn said...

Sorry! (But I'm still laughing!)

We have large windows across the second floor of our home. We regularly have birds fly into them. Sometimes, it's only hard enough to stun them. Other times, it's their demise. The really gross thing? They sometimes leave imprints of their impacts. Did I mention the windows are on the second floor? So, it requires my hubby and a very tall ladder to clean those windows. Hubby knows if I keep the shades lowered, it means it's time to get the ladder out and clean the windows for me.

Emergency? Absolutely!

Kathryn said...

Yes I agree that was an emergency and you sound like you handled it quite well. I don't know if I would have been that restrained. Thank goodness for your cool head!!!!
(You are hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Aunt LoLo said...

When I saw your title, I thought you were going to introduce Sarah Palin, Wall-E and one of the Wiggles to a VERY different sort of bird! (I'm pretty sure the Wiggles deserve it, at least SOME of the time. ;-))

I'm glad the crisis was averted! That certainly would have been a nasty "trick" for your little friends! Did the Tongginator ask any questions??

Stefanie said...

It's a total counter. Good thing TH was there to divert the crisis.

Georgia Peach said...

ewwwww....yuck!

McEwens said...

That is an emergency if there ever was one!!!!

Lisa said...

I can't imagine a MORE appropriate holiday to decorate your porch with a dead bird. Although, if my children came upon it on your porch, you might then ALSO have a pee or puke puddle laying next to it. Good thinking on the emergency sit, TM!

kerri said...

Yes, I classify this as an emergency!
It reminds me the time the girls were playing outside, 10 feet in front of them a hawk dove down and snatched a sparrow for dinner, feathers flying and little girls screaming.I screamed for Hubby to clean up the mess the bird dropped due to our shrieking, yikes!!!!
Hard life lesson indeed...

discombobulated said...

Poor birdie. Great story. Yes, emergency.

Polar Bear said...

You write so well!

I agree, that is a disaster that needs immediate attention!! Why don't they get that? My husband would have been the SAME.

I'm glad it was resolved before Trick or Treat started! :o)

Sophie, Inzaburbs said...

I can understand why you needed help with that one - and fast!

I sent my husband out to take care of a poor squirrel in its death throes recently. Lucky I didn't have the guts to do it myself, because he took a better look and discovered it was actually very much alive - it probably just had hypothermia. We wrapped it in a towel and 24 hours later it released it to join its family. Lucky escape!

Rebecca Ramsey said...

Yikes!
I hate it when that happens. Poor thing!

Carla said...

Oh yes, that was INDEED an emergency. Who knows what kind of repercussions it could have had? From extra "lovely" things on your porch to long term effects due to therapy. ;)

Me? I don't think I could have waited every 15 minutes or so...yes, I would have been calling at least every 5 minutes. Or finding another person of the male gender on my street to take care of the poor bird. I'm sure a teenage boy would have enjoyed being "manly" enough to take care of it.

So glad everything was resolved by the time trick or treating started. Are Togginator and her friend okay?

Carolina Mama said...

Emergency indeed. :)

Hey, you just won a Bloggy Award at Carolina Mama. :)

Beverly said...

would have been to me. I can't touch dead things even with long poles.

Erica Cammer said...

Sorry it took me so long to respond. I have come to realize that it is going to an extremly long road. lol

Thanks for letting me know about the dresses. I didnt even think about looking at the two links

CC said...

Ha! I was sure it was going to be something like you found them in an inappropriate position. Ah hem.

I've had my share of dead birds. And I'm sorry, but I'm on the husband's side on this one. ;)

Janet said...

Oh dear. A dead robin can be quite tragic, indeed. I have had tears here, over that kind of incident.

Michelle said...

Poor little bird. Did you have your candy fully visible, right inside your door? Did the poor thing fly to its death with Reese's Cups on its mind? If so, that at least makes me feel a bit better. Glad TD saved the day just in time for the big night!

Kristy said...

YOU CRACK ME UP!!!!!

Kristy

Heather of the EO said...

Oh no. That's really bad timing. But funny. Not that the bird offed itself, but the whole scene. Kinda funny...

Sorry.

And yes, totally an emergency, husband!

Gina (Caleeo) said...

Great post - very funny and awesome title! Hmmm, emergency - well I am with the other commenter, consider it realistic Halloween decor.

Krista ~ Bits and pieces said...

Girl friend, you sure do have you act together! An emergency? Yes A cook head, OH YEAH!!!

You are the girl!!!

Tonggu Momma Husband said...

ok people ...
you city folk (and suburban folk) ... you must learn that when you grow up out west, around livestock, and dear hunting, and cleaning carcasses ... well ...
a little bird who broke his neck on the storm door ... sorry, that is not an emergency. i view it as a learning/teaching opportunity for the little tongginator.
i said to her ... "honey, if only that little bird was wearing it's bike helmet, it might not have died! which is why TM and TD always make you wear your bike helmet, so that when you fall off your bike onto the street and bonk your head, you won't end up like that little bird!"
i think it was a good thing. now we'll have to wait and see if the whining continues the next time she's out riding her bike and wants to take her helmet off.
:-)

Sharie said...

See, now I have to agree with Tongu Husband...it could be that birds flew into the windows of my elementary school enough that I became immune to their stupidity...
I would have grabbed a shovel, held back the need too puke and stuck the little guy in a garabage bag and into the trash.
Now, I have to admit that I did recently say to my 4-year-old, "Do you know that when you cut chicken's heads off they keep running around?" My sisters were shocked, but I figure without a dad or grandpa to teach her such interesting facts, it's up to me:)

OziMum said...

HEAVENS YES!!! Animal caracasses on the front door step IS a crisis... although probably not for halloween... you could've kicked him aside and pretended it was decoration?!!!

13 yr old Sa.rah Pal!n?!! HA! From the bit of footage we get here (I'm sure you get alot more there?!)- do we really need another?!! I do like her glasses though! She looks very stylish!

Missy said...

Oh my!!! I would have been horrified...I think you handled it quite well!!!

Glad you made it to my new blog!:)

Jennifer said...

Is it wrong that this made me laugh??

It was an emergency!

Jen

day by day said...

Oh, no! Yes...definitely an emergency...poor little birdie!

gritandglory.com said...

i'm glad kids trick-or-treating at your house weren't welcomed with the bird. that wouldn't have been very christian-like, no would it?

LaLa said...

Total emergency!!! Glad the bird was gone before the kids arrived but guess JC and Tongginator got a little life lesson! See, if you'd just given in and taken them trick or treating earlier they could have missed it LOL

The Byrd's Nest said...

My heart was racing this entire post! Poor little bird.