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Tuesday, September 2, 2008


I did it again. I allowed the Husband to sucker me. I feel so annoyed with myself at the moment. What did I do that was so Completely Awful?

This past weekend, I agreed to watch both Casino Roy.ale and The Bou.rne Supremacy in the same night.


It may not seem like such a Huge Issue to y'all, but around here it means another couple of days listening to the Husband's comments about my pseudo-boyfriend from high school and college. I call him my former pseudo-boyfriend because - at the time - it really depended on who you talked with about whether or not we actually dated. Some said we dated off and on occasionally throughout high school and college. (Me.) Others said we didn't. (Him... oh, and my momma... my friends... and basically everyone else.)

Reality was sometimes tough to face back then.

Anyways, back to the Husband's comments about my former pseudo-boyfriend. In the tradition of great action-adventure movies everywhere, let's blog name former pseudo-boyfriend J.. Honestly, J. and I were close, close friends throughout high school and most of college until we tried the dating thing for about a month my senior year of college. It wasn't pretty. I thought I loved J., but God knew what He was doing even when I did not.

Before I say more, you should know that none of the Husband's jibes about J. carry with them any jealousy because thank goodness I was a good little Christian gal. Actually, I didn't become a True Christian until after college, but AIDS - ever hear of it? - it seems the Extreme Fear Of AIDS saved me from myself until Jesus saved me. Therefore, the Husband does not feel insecure about J.. The Husband has no need to feel insecure about J.. Even if there existed some reason for the Husband TO feel jealous about J., the Husband feels confident enough in himself to avoid any and all feelings of jealousy. The Husband (can you totally tell he wrote this part?) just Quite Enjoys ribbing me about J. because the Husband believes J.'s chosen profession is - dare I say it? - somewhat unusual.

Y'all, the Husband believes that J. is A Spy.

Yes, a spy... or at least someone involved in covert ops. Hence all of the comments after watching a double-header of Casino Roy.ale and The Bou.rne Supremacy. Before you begin laughing uncontrollably, I shall now mount a defense for the Husband in the spirit of fairness:
  • J. graduated with Top Honors from a well-respected university, triple majoring in Political Science, French and Spanish.
  • He also speaks a few other languages, some fluently, some not so much.
  • He once interned for The Sta.te Depart.ment.
  • J. looks deceptively small, but could probably beat up most any guy we know. In high school, he once broke someone's jaw using his bare fist.
  • He is kind of a health nut and a fairly nice person, so we doubt drugs.
  • J.'s name actually does begin with the letter J, very much like Other Famous Spies such as James (Casino Roy.ale)and Jason (The Bou.rne Supremacy).
  • The Husband's previous work history placed him in close proximity to many spies; therefore the Husband is more paranoid knowledgeable about said topic as compared with the average person.
  • J. lives primarily out of the country and conversations surrounding his chosen career remain vague and imply that J. is an international Beach Bum. No one knows exactly what he does for a living, since J. mostly references odd, short-term stints such as a mail courier or waiter.
I, for one, believe he IS a Beach Bum who sometimes waits tables. It fits his personality and work ethic. The Husband stopped believing THAT when J. attended our wedding sporting a black eye. (He received said injury during a rugby match, y'all.) Still, the first few years of our marriage, the Husband kept quiet about J., probably because we hadn't seen him since the wedding. Then, about eight years ago, the Husband Broke His Silence when I received The Infamous Phone Call.

That was when J.'s momma called to tell me that J. recently escaped a brush with death. It seems that J. survived an attack - in South America - from someone wielding a machete. (I totally expect Tonggu Grammy to comment, supporting this story so that y'all believe me. She knows J.'s momma.) We were told this happened in a not-very-USA-friendly-country, but The Sta.te Depart.ment air-lifted J. to Mexico so that he could recover more fully before - months later - he arrived home to convalesce, quite expertly sewn together.

The Husband and I of course stopped by to see him. You know, to have that awkward "glad you're alive" conversation. And then we haven't seen J. since. And, no, I have no explanation for the whole machete thing.

And now I don't ever think of J., unless I forget to avoid watching a double header of Casino Roy.ale and The Bou.rne Supremacy. That's when the Husband's spy comments start. Thank goodness it's only by telephone this week, since the Husband is out of town. At least he can't see my eye rolling from across the country.

Although I must confess that the Husband's constant comments do get my mind to wandering... perhaps J. truly IS a spy. What do y'all think?

And please, please, please tell me you have at least one weird boyfriend story. Or, if you are anything like me, a weird pseudo-boyfriend story.


Aunt LoLo said...

Umm...I think J is a International Beach Bum that is sometimes a spy. ;-)

Ok....weird boyfriend stories. Just before I left on my mission, I dated a boy, and actually decided to forgo the mission trip in favor of staying home and marrying him. Thank goodness God had other plans! I'll call him Plan A. The night I met him, he told me he was a chemistry student at my university. My mother, of course, was thrilled! The first time he came over to my home (we'd known each other a week), he sat no more than 4 inches from me the ENTIRE NIGHT, usually with his hand touching me...somehwere. (He seemed to favor my thigh.) As he chatted with my father, it came out that ACTUALLY he wasn't a chemistry student...but he HAD applied every quarter for three years running. (He didn't have the grades.) Oh, and ACTUALLY, he wasn't really a University student...but he DID share a VERY small apartment with a roommate, across the street from the university. Oh, and he washed dishes at one of the sororities...does that count?

By the end of the evening, NOBODY liked him...except me. (I didn't have a lot of admirers...I think I was just flattered.) Again, thank GOODNESS God had other plans! (Plan B - Lo Gung - was SO much better and CERTAINLY wouldn't have happened if I hadn't lived in China for nearly two years first!)

Michelle said...

Oh, my! Well, he certainly seems to live an unusual life...not sure about a spy, though. But who knows, right?

Have a great day, today!!!

The Momster said...

I love entire "pseudo-boyfriend" reference. I for one, have dated my share of stalkers. Then apparently so did The UIC. Years ago, we talked about maybe setting the stalkers up with one another. :)

This entire post has me thinking about Syndey Bristol aka Alias.

Have a great one!

happygeek said...

Yeah, no Psuedo-boyfriend, sorry. In fact only dated 2 guys in my life, Hubby and a dude named Dave. I'm comfortable calling him by his real name as 98% of ex-boyfriends are named Dave.
Dave is now 33 and unmarried. I like to think that if he couldn't have me, then he wanted nobody.
Either that or he's a spy.

Georgia Peach said...

TH's crazy spy ideas sounds plausible to me. Of course he could be doing co.vert coms or some other kind of side-line work.

I had a weird pseudo-boyfriend in high school. We always met up after school to get slushees (no it wasn't 1950) and he had a quirky sense of humor that always seemed to jive with mine. We went on a date once...to play putt-putt with his parents as chaperones. It was awkward and totally killed our chemistry...so we didn't date again, but stayed friends. He still lives around here so I see him from time to time.

The Source said...

Ok, J is totally a spy! And you're so lucky you didn't marry him instead. Because what if YOU ended up having to be a spy, too, like Jamie Lee Curtis in that Schwarzenegger movie?? That could be dangerous.

No ex-boyfriend stories. They're all either bald or dead now.

Heather of the EO said...

I have far too many weird boyfriend stories to fit in comment form. Because I'M a SPY. So I walk around like James Bond, sipping martinis with men draped all over me. All the time.
Or wait, maybe that's just my husband, my preschooler and my baby hanging all over me. I get so confused. :)
I think your husband could be right. I really do! Fun to think about, huh?

Lisa said...

I think J. is an international beach bum who likes people to think he is a spy. :) But, if he is a spy, how cool is that?? Except the whole machete thing. That would not be fun.

Sherri said...

Thanks for visiting my blog and for your kind comment concerning my dad. I appreciate it very, very much.

Today's Tales

McEwens said...

HOLY cow! He was hacked.. and his mom called you.. wow! My guess is he is a spy, I mean it all adds up!!

Veronica MItchell said...

My college boyfriend was a missionary kid, and his uncles all believed that his father must be a spy, because why would anyone go live in the hinterlands of the world just to tell people about Jesus? It just didn't make sense to them.

Sherri said...

So terribly sorry to read about your father in law in Missy's comments. I will be thinking about you and your family.....


Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I am thinking I might agree with Tonggu Dad on this one.....my gut is telling me spy!!!

You lead an intersting life my friend.....your stories always hook me and you couldn't make this stuff up!

And yes, I have a couple weirdo boyfriend stories that would probably make your head spin....one of these days I will have to share one!!


Jill said...

This whole post has me peeing my pants!! AWESOME!

Carla said...

Oh it does seem plausible...yes it does.

weird boyfriend stories? oh yes, way too many to recount.

Beachy Mimi said...

Always expect the unexpected so he is Totally A Spy. Machete, Sta.te De/pt. it all adds up. ALL my boyfriends have been weird.

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

Great story! I think you should tell everyone that you dated a spy! Makes for a great conversation!!

Tonggu Grammy said...

Yes, y'all, Tonggu Momma tells the truth! He was hacked by a machete doing work we know not what in a place we know not where. He most definitely IS a spy of some sort. I believe he is a covert op for the CIA but it's only my theory. I do know that he's very talented and was a good friend to Tonggu Momma. I also know that God definitely had plans for her and Tonggu Husband so he remains confident of the relationship and is never jealous. He is a good husband!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

What a fun story! (for you, anyway...sounds a bit unhealthy for J.)

Shawnstribe said...

well now, even if i didn't have any weird stories, i wouldstill wanna read everyone elses hey ; )
....can't own up to any boyfriend stories as unlike you TM i was not a very good gal before Jesus sorted me out, i'm so glad He did though...mmm...now there's a story....
anyway.....I have a hubby story, a short version anyway...kissed on a bridge by a stream....engaged within 2 months, married in four.....and ....well the rest is history...God is so so good

Sharon said...

bahahahahahahahah . I love your posts.

Soliloquy said...

I totally think your husband is RIGHT!

I just met a woman whose husband just retired as a special ops agent for the fed. Turns out she is just now finding out things he did - COUNTRIES he was in when she thought he was traveling domestically.

Weird, right. It's like that movie, True Lies. Totally.

Well, be glad you're not with J anymore. 'Cause you KNOW what happens to Jason Bourne's women, right?

Yeah, be glad.

kia (good enough mama) said...

I have one weird one. Not as weird as yours, apparently, but weird, nonetheless. Actually, it was probably my only "real" bf before Hubby. And I think it lasted about a month and a half. Serious, dudes. This was ser.i.ous. Anyway, I basically found out that I was just a tool (NO, not sexually!) for him to use in order to make a previous gf jealous. I was young. I was smitten. I was stupid. And then heartbroken. Whatever. There's so much more, but it's not really interesting. ;)

Michelle said...

OK, seriously. Until halfway through I thought you dated Matt Damon. No joke. I've never seen Casino Royale, but thought it sounded like a Matt D. flick, too. Keep that in mind and go read your first four paragraphs again. Are you with me? (Sorry, do I need sleep?) ;-)

Sharie said...

Don't feel bad. I was thinking Tongo Mama was almost Damon Mama too and I was like - MAN my life is boring.

Not so though as I have MANY weird boyfriend stories. Like Tom, my first love...My friends made me break up with him the night he climbed on my roof and yelled at all the people coming out of the bar across the street at 2 AM. Ahh college.

Then there was the cop who brought his gun EVERYWHERE, but he couldn't commit to a relationship. I think he's married to the job.

Or the weirdo I met on-line who after our first date asked me for a second and despite my better judgement I was going to accept. However when I replied to his email it bounced back and phone number was disconnected - I think he was a spy (or not really single).

And THAT is why I am STILL single.

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

I just came back to read what Tonggu Grammy had to say and I just read Michelle's comment....I thought the same thing!

Have a good night!


Anonymous said...

I thought TM dated Matt Damon too and then I was going to be really jealous. I don't know what movie Casino Royale is either. I heart Matt Damon. He's at the top of my list (you know the list - we all have one!!).

I have a few weird boyfriend stories. No spies, just plain old weird weirdos.

I definitely have one pseudo-boyfriend, TM, so I know just what you mean there.

Great post. As always, you make me laugh laugh laugh.

Mamatini said...

Yep, I thought the same thing at first and was jealous. I loooooove Jason Bourne! (Oddly, Matt Damon not so much.)

discombobulated said...

TM, you have quite the following now. You are a celebrity blogger.

I have an ex-psuedo bf. He left me at a baseball game by myself because he was cold. I had to walk back to the Metro by myself in the dark, cold, city. What a girly-man.

I paid $70 for the tickets for us too.

Janet said...

I am a spy. Shhhhh....don't tell my husband.