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Tuesday, August 12, 2008

0lympic Wondering

Y'all, I so wanted to write a clever post for today. I truly did. But I'm honest enough to admit I've entered the 0lympics vortex. I've glued my eyes to the TV and probably won't come up for air these next two weeks.

It doesn't help that I stayed up til after midnight, waiting for the medal results of the gymnastics mens' team competition.

Plus, my brain is completely consumed with a Very Important Hypothetical Situation... what would the 0lympics look like if I - Tonggu Momma - actually earned a spot on Team U.S.A.? Not being at all athletically inclined, I spent hours pondering my sport options, since I'm not limited in my choices by talent (I have none) nor experience (nope to that, too, unless you count elementary school gym class).

Did y'all know there are nearly 40 sports in the summer 0lympic games?!?!?

Choices, choices....

My first option -- 0lympic Beach Volleyball. It seems a very fun sport... music blares, shades are donned, even the President loosened his collar while watching a match. But then again, exactly how long would it take for me to achieve Wedgie Status? And I shudder to imagine what an extra 10 pounds of TV weight would do to my hips. I'm fairly certain I'd scare y'all.

My next option-- Archery. Before I commit to this sport, however, I'd like y'all to respond to a two question poll. For question number one, please select one of these three options: five seconds, five minutes or five hours. For the second question, list any major body part. Oh, and the questions?

1) How long do you feel it would take Tonggu Momma to accidentally shoot an arrow that actually embeds into the skin of another person? ... and... 2) Which part of the body do you think said arrow would impale?

Of course I must also consider the sport of my childhood delusions -- Gymnastics. Unfortunately, I have short hair, y'all. This means I'm already disqualified from the competition, since a recent 2007 ruling declared that a mandatory part of the gymnastics uniform is a Cute Scrunchie.

Not really. Well, maybe.

I quickly dismissed the throwing sports (shot put, javelin and hammer), if only because I haven't done any throwing for over fifteen years, unless you count that of the throwing up variety.

Then there is Track. Hmmm.... not really an option for me, since I don't believe in running unless someone chases after me with a knife. Because I don't know about y'all, but I'm positive I can't outrun a bullet, but I might - just might - escape the clutches of a Crazy Person Wielding A Knife.

If I am able to outwit said Crazy Person.

Which is debatable.

Canoeing, rowing and sailing are all out because I quickly develop seasickness. (Hence all of the throwing up I mentioned earlier.)

I don't know, y'all. I can't seem to let go of my 0lympic dreams delusions. But I'm thinking maybe I need to. Because -- unless the International 0lympics Committee creates a sport centered around snarky remarks or vegetating -- I doubt I'm ever gonna win g0ld.


I guess I'll just have to live vicariously through all of the REAL medal winners.


Aunt LoLo said...

3 minutes, left leg...and there's always ping pong! I mean...not that you could place if you have to go up against the Chinese (good GRIEF, their project 119 seems to be working out alright!)...but at least you'd be there. ;-)

Briana's Mom said...

LOL! I don't believe in running either.

I wish I had the athletic ability to be a swimmer. Those athletes are sooo strong!

Georgia Peach said...

After some careful consideration I have decided that your Olympic sport should involve some form of horseback riding. I watched it yesterday evening and it looks the horse does most of the work and the rider's job is pretty straight forward.

Rider instructions:
1. Sit down
2. and hold on!!!

Well?? waddya think?

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

I gotta get away from the Olympics... I am stuck there... running late for work and then dashing away from work to watch again... over sleeping... wondering how I am driving the car... hehehe

Muthering Heights said...

Hey, you never know...it seems like anything can become an Olympic sport these days!

Lanxi said...

I refuse to answer the questions for fear of being said person to be skewered. Maybe diving? I know they work really hard at it, but maybe you could just fall with style. Just remember hands first - not stomach!

Mom to 5...Daughter of the King said...

I'm living in that vortex, too!

redmaryjanes said...

I have it all figured out chica, we can be a synchronized swimming team. We would not allow any cameras to zoom in on us until we have our plumper parts under the water and then we could really wow them.

Gold is in our future!

Bella's momma said...

Too funny~

PS. will you please share with me how you do the strike through on your blog? I have never be able to figure that out!!

Have a good day,


Misty said...

5 hours, and no body part. i have actually attempted to shoot a bow and arrow, and it's A) REALLY HARD and B) i never got my arrow past the first foot in front of me, so yeah, you can't either, LOL! unless you're like mrs. hulk. then you might and i'd have to revise my first answer.

Kathryn said...

I've entered the Olympic vortex myself, can't break away from the TV, thank goodness for laptops and DVR's. I'm not leaving the sofa.

Beachy Mimi said...

I'm right there in the Olympic vortex with you. I'm just captivated. I can so see me (in my delusional mind) just totally rocking on the beam. There are just so many reasons why that would never happen...

Mamatini said...

I loved archery! (Robin Hood was my childhood hero, you know.)

I remember in high school during our 2-week archery section in PE, the coach said if we got 3 bull's-eyes, we could opt-out of the next 2-week section. (Just what most every high-school girl wants, right?)

I got my three bull's-eyes, but the next section was going to be Ultimate Frisbee - a favorite of mine - so I forfeited the opt-out option. Yep, you can imagine the looks and snorts of incredulity I got.

I was by no means a jock, just a weirdly athletic geek.

Sharie said...

I think shopping should be an Olympic sport; there should also be medals given to the designers of the leotards worn in gymnastics!

You can out run a bullet, just don't run in a straight line!

Good ENough Mama said...

I love the mandatory cute scrunchie comment. How true! How tacky and true! :) Thanks for the giggles, as always!


Debz said...

I run like a girly girl.
Sink like a rock.
Gymnastics...? does rolling over in bed count?
Beach Volleyball? naa the wedgie status is one thing but one grain of sand and I'd be picking right there on world wide TV.
Now soccer on the other hand that just might work, I'm always kicking something out of the way, dog toys, shoes, laundry, ect. lol

Half Gaelic, Half Garlic! said...

This was by far the funniest post I have ever read....where do you come up with this stuff??

Yes, it is extremely hard to rip yourself away from the TV....it is so exciting!


Shannon said...

Dude, I just found out that badminton is an Olympic sport. I could totally do that! You barely have to move! And the little birdie thingy takes a while to get from one side of the court to the other so I have a fighting chance!

happygeek said...

I am with you on the running thing. Running was designed to save you, not something you do for fun.

Chris and Deb said...

We pretty much have had our eyes glued to the set since the Olympics started too! I just told Chris that I think we are going to go through withdrawals next week when they are over!