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Thursday, July 17, 2008

Eat This! (Not!)

It's been a slow news week over here at Tonggu House, so I thought I'd share with you a little story I like to call The Husband is Blessed to Even be Alive. (And no, I'm not talking about 18 months ago when he almost died of a broken deformed heart.)

No, this story deals more with the Husband's Lack of Brain than anything else. Although I will give him some credit, since he was only four years old at the time. I know, I know. Four years old. Don't give him too much credit yet, y'all.

Wait to hear the WHOLE story.

It all started when the Husband saw some variation of this commercial on television. Some of you may remember the OTHER Contact Cold commercial that ran for a short time, where the cold capsule opens up and all of the little dots go spilling across the entire TV screen. I couldn't find that ad on You-Tube, probably because the Smart People at Contact pulled that ad after only a few short weeks.

Why did they do that, you might ask?

Well, probably because my Husband and his cohorts across the country thought those little red and yellow dots looked kind of interesting. They looked kind of sweet. Maybe even yummy. Do you see where this is going?

Yes, the Husband experienced the Joys of Stomach Pumping at the tender age of four.

Because those tablets looked like candy.

Now, here's where you need to give me some credit. Because I know many of you are now thinking I'm being unfair to the Husband. After all, he was only four. And those tablets DID look a bit like candy.

Have a little faith, y'all. Wait for the WHOLE story.

Because the Husband? He didn't stop there. Oh no, when he's on a Mission to Die, he goes All Out, even at the age of four. That was only his first ER visit in 1973.

His second trip to the ER came a few weeks later and involved charcoal. No, this medical emergency did not involve fire, as you'd typically expect. No, that would be too typical. Instead, the Husband ATE the charcoal. Yet again, he experienced the joys of stomach pumping.

I can't remember what products he ingested during his next two stomach pumpings, but the last incident - his fifth - deserves Serious Recognition. I must take Special Care with this story because it indirectly led to the Husband's decision - 23 years later - to date me.

In 1973, the little blonde girl down the street used her feminine wiles to convince the Husband to try an alternative to your typical beverage. The Husband, being of Very Little Brain, succumbed to her wiles, even after four previous ER visits. He drank the liquid and nearly died in the process. This time, the stomach pumping and the Screams of His Poor Mother finally took.

He didn't return to the ER.

And the liquid?

You'll never believe me.

It's too far-fetched.

But the liquid?

Lighter fluid, y'all.

It deserves a moment of silence, doesn't it?


And now y'all are probably wondering how in the world ingesting lighter fluid at the tender age of four influenced the Husband's decision to date me twenty-three years down the line.

Well... remember that little girl?

That little Mata Hari was a blonde... whereas I, Tonggu Momma, am a brunette. Not once, in the History of the Husband, has he ever dated a blonde.

He never recovered from the trauma, y'all.

Lighter fluid.

His poor momma.

Edited to add: I just discovered the Kristen has a bloggy carnival where bloggers can share their childhood stories. No, I didn't plan this. But check out We Are That Family to read about other childhood traumas memories.


Briana's Mom said...

You are hilarious! Too funny!

Georgia said...

Blonds may have more fun, but Brunettes don't make you drink lighter fluid!

Misty said...

OMG! my dh had a bad experience w/ a blonde once too, and i'm sure it's why we'er together now!! well, that and a few other things, but hey, who am i to argue w/ a man who prefers brunettes!

Rochelle said...

lol!! You are so funny! Needed this laugh!! lol!! And I like the new look!! I need to redo mine but I'm too lazy to figure how to do it!

We are THAT Family said...

It's a miracle he made it long enough to marry! Wow. I thought my hubby was accident prone!

Welcome to 'Fro Me to You! Thanks for playing along!

Beachy Mimi said...

That is too funny/sad. His poor mama. I will never understand why kids injest something like lighter fluid or charcoal and fuss at peas.

prechrswife said...

I'm starting to think it is an amazing thing that he survived childhood. I'm guessing he's one of those kids they knew on a first-name basis when he walked into the emergency room. :-)

Muthering Heights said...

Oh my goodness, he's one tough cookie for coming through all that!

Kia said...

Do you remember that show from the 70's called That's Incredible?? Your hub should have been on it. He was INCREDIBLE personified. A, because he had his stomach pumped so many times and B, because he lived into adulthood. Now THAT'S incredible!! :)

Cajunchic said...

THANK YOU! I needed that laugh. I was rolling for a good five minutes.

When I was a kid I convinced my cousin that if she stuck a red hot up her nose and sniffed really really hard it would come out through her mouth. I am still not sure why she wanted a red hot that had been in her nose but she did it. Can you figure out the end of this story?

happygeek said...

Too funny.
5 times?
I bet when Tongginator does something outrageous his mom just smiles "payback."

Carolina Mama said...

Love your new bloggy look. :)

Heidi said...

You know, in this day and age, he would probably have been removed from his family for negligence.

Some kids just have a death wish. . . I used to think my Spe had one, and then I found out he was just a Sensory Seeker. The bruises! Oh, the bruises!

Tammy said...

Oh wow! That is incredible.

My mother used to carry around syrup of ipecac because of my problems ingesting random items. The thought of that stuff makes me gag to this day!