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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

The Break Up

Two weeks ago, I experienced one of my life's happiest days.

The Husband finally relented and broke up with the Scourge of My World. The Scourge caused many a rift in the Tonggu Household... and not simply between the Husband and me. The Tongginator didn't like the Scourge either. Oh, the Tongginator thought the Scourge was pretty, but she didn't like the way the Scourge smelled.

Not. At. All.

The Husband's love affair with the Scourge began during the spring of 2000. He glanced at her just once and found he couldn't live without her. She looked absolutely beautiful: curvy in all of the right places, with a sophisticated air and a high sense of adventure. She was also smart, darn it, and a fairly comfortable companion.

I hated her on sight. I felt jealous of her. I didn't like competing with her for the Husband's attention. He assured me that it wasn't that type of relationship, but I didn't always believe him because sometimes the Husband took her out late in the evening. Even when I managed to feel confident rather than insecure about their relationship, I still really didn't care for the Scourge just on principle. We didn't share the same values. She definitely had expensive taste and consumed excessively. She also acted quite proud and was a little flashy, if you know what I mean. She'd definitely been around the block a few times. Not only that, she ate a ton and still somehow managed to keep her shape.

Ooh, it made my blood boil. How I hated her. Almost any woman in my position would, don't you think?

Over the course of the past year, however, the Husband's interest in the Scourge began to wane. For one thing, the Tongginator hated her. The Husband felt great remorse that the Tongginator cried whenever she went anywhere with the Scourge. The Scourge consistently wore leather, you see, so she smelled a tad... ummm... leathery. And we all know how important our little Tongginator finds her sense of smell.

The Husband also slowly came to realize that the Scourge's expensive taste and insatiable appetites greatly impacted our family, and even the planet as a whole. He grew to understand that greed and pride do not a pleasant companion make. Oh-so-slowly the wedge between them deepened, eventually causing a rift that became insurmountable.

He mulled over his options for many months. The Husband did love the Scourge, you see, although he assured me that he loved me more. I didn't believe him, but I tried to be patient. I really did. After all, I had spoken vows with this man. The Husband told me that he understood my position, but that he felt a responsibility towards the Scourge. She relied on him for financial support. Gradually, however, he grew to realize that he really needed to cut her out of his life - completely - just to keep peace within the family.

I cried tears of joy and relief that day.

You will, too, on my behalf, when you see her. I mean, how can any normal woman compete with such a creature?

Here she is, in all of her proud and flashy glory... the Scourge:


We now own a hybrid Honda instead. And the Scourge moved on to make someone else extremely miserable satisfied. It's happy times at the Tonggu House.

9 comments:

discombobulated said...

Love it! I couldn't wait to find out who "she" was.

Aunt LoLo said...

Ooh...fabulous choice! I have to say, I ADORE my little red Honda. My life would be complete if she was a hybrid. *sigh

Dawn said...

That is too funny. I'm glad you're happy.

Janet said...

The SCOURGE.....I'm so glad she's gone.....

Cheri H said...

LOL, I love the way you write! Congrats on the new car!

Becoming Me said...

LOL! You are such a hoot. I enjoy your writing style and your fun and loving heart!

Gerbil said...

That's a hoot! I want a hybrd Camry but I want not to have a car payment too...

Cajunchic said...

Ok that gave me just the laugh I needed. I want to get a hybrid badly but hubby told me our vehicles have to die before we get new ones. The darn things just keep on ticking though. sigh.

Alyson & Ford said...

Very funny! I was wondering about the love affair....
I used to "love" my cars, now they have moved on to being like an essential appliance; don't want to buy a new one if the current one still works. So we have old cars....

Alyson LID 01/27/06