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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Spring Fashion Confession

Something is eating away at my soul.

I have to come clean.

I really do.

What better time to confess then during Big Mama's Spring Fashion Fiesta? I mean, I really need to free myself from the guilt. After years of silent shame, I realize the only way to do so is to go public with the information. Ignore the fact that this is an anonymous blog... I'm on what you would call a 12-step program.

Because it's a tad embarrassing for me.

Okay, deep breath...

Confession time.

I'm a clothes thief.

Even worse, I'm a shlumpadinka clothes thief.

Oh, I know. I'm so sorry. I started small, truly. First it was peeking into my older sister's closet after she went to school. Then I moved on to friends' closets. I never saw it as stealing.


Because I always returned the items.

But then something changed.

Something big.

I stole my first guy article of clothing.

And then I failed to return.

I know, I know. It's so shameful. It was my high school friend Britton's gray Eddie Bauer sweatshirt. It felt so comfy. It felt so cozy. I dragged my feet about returning it. Then, the next thing you know, we all headed off to college. Two years later, Britton came to our house for Thanksgiving. He teased me about the sweatshirt. I tried to return it. I did! But he refused to take it back, saying, "You've had it this long, you might as well keep it."

Oh, to remove those words from my life.

I'd give anything to take back hearing them... because that's when my criminal career took off.

It lead to another sweatshirt theft. I couldn't tell you the original owner's name, although the list narrows it down some. I stole this over-sized blue monstrosity from my sister, who quite probably received it from a guy who wanted to date her, but never did. (Lots of guys fell into that category with my sister.)

I've since moved on. I do possess a few articles of clothing from The Former Pseudo-Boyfriend, Who Several Believe Now Works for the CIA. I can't post photos of the stolen items, however, because then the Husband might purge my wardrobe. And, truly, those gym shorts are the best thing I took away from that relationship.

My latest victim is the Husband. I steal his t-shirts and jeans. I even steal his shoes on occasion. Yes, I realize this means I have Big Feet.

Okay, Really Big Feet. But I digress...

I'm a thief. There, I admit it. I'm supposed to feel better after a confession of this magnitude, right?

I don't know. I'm not sure how I feel.

I guess my largest worry is... do you still like me?

And the major problem... where do I go from here?


Keri said...

LOL hilarious!!

I still like you...but stay away from my closet!! ;)

Aunt LoLo said...

Yes, we still like you...but, really? An oversized sweatshirt, WITHOUT your name on it? Really?

Donna said...

Yes we still like you.

However, can you promise to never do it again? If not, I don't know that I can ever let you near my favorite sweatshirts. Ever. I'm a little afrait they might disappear even wearing them near you.

a Tonggu Momma said...

Oh, absolutely! It's been over 10 years since I stole from anyone except the Husband. But unfortunately he continues to suffer, since I can't seem to completely come clean. But since he lives in the same house, is it really stealing? Anyone?

Cajunchic said...

i am a shlumpadinka also. the worse was when I stole a shirt from hubby while i was pregnant and then stretched it out with my big old belly.

Thanks so much for the encouragement today. it really helps to know there is someone else.

Kacey said...

Comfy clothes are always good. I love that you steal your husband's shoes - that made me LOL!

Leigh said...

COmfy is smart!I enjoyed stopping by your blog. I hope you will come and visit my fashion fiesta!

Special K said...

I'm calling Oprah. You need a makeover intervention. LOL!

Oh and in my professional legal authority, I can tell you that stealing from your husband is completely legal...not stealing at all. You BOTH own everything you have 50/50.